INT. RICHARD'S LIVING ROOM FRIDAY NIGHT.

TONY

(Yawns)

Well, thanks again, Rich, for letting me sleep on your sofa tonight.

I was worried about having to rent an apartment for the night.

​

RICHARD
No problem, bro! Hey, Iotas for life, remember?
(nudges Tony, who sighs)

Hey, by any chance, since I'm doing this huge favor for you,

lil' bro, could you help me out with this issue?

​

TONY
Yeah! Wait, is this about that

chick you messaged on Tinder?

​

RICHARD

I mean if you're not tired...

​

TONY

No, it's cool.

​

RICHARD

Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, so she

stopped messaging me.

​

TONY
After you messaged, 'Damn girl,

your thickkkk?' I'm sorry, bud.

​

RICHARD
No worries! She responded, asking

me if it was supposed to be a compliment or insult,

and I texted her: 'It means your yummy.' For some

reason, she's had me on read now.

​

TONY
Dude, if only we knew a guy who

could smooth this over. I mean he has to be skilled...

​

Smoke enters the stage...the ghost of William Shakespeare appears.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

'To be or not to be;/that is the question.'

​

RICHARD

Who are you?

​

TONY

William Shakespeare?

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

'Tis I, young noblemen, in the mist!

​

RICHARD
Ummm, okay. Dude, your outfit is

weird. Are you wearing tights?

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
You know what. That's it! I try to

do a good deed, and this is the 50th and

last time that some frat boy judges me.

​

TONY
(Interrupts pleadingly)

Wait, please, Mr. William. Don't leave! Please, help out

my brother as you helped me get my girlfriend!

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

It's Sir Shakespeare to you both.

 

RICHARD
Nah. Let him leave; we don't need him.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(Condescendingly)

Oh, really? 'Your yummy?' Bro.

Richard turns bright red; Tony tries not to burst laughing.

​

RICHARD

(Trying to recover)

What, like you can do better.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(clears his throat)

"Love is not love/which alters when it alteration finds,

/Or bends with the remover to remove."

​

Tony claps; Richard sighs and crosses his arms.

​

TONY
Please, Sir Shakespeare, help my friend out.

​

Shakespeare side eyes Richard and sighs.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Fine, but only if he apologizes, first.

​

TONY elbow nudges Richard.

 

RICHARD

I'm sorry...

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Now, 'twas that so difficult...

​

RICHARD
That you have poor taste in clothing.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

That's it, you want to go, bro?

​

TONY
You both need to calm down; also,

what happened to your word choice, Sir Shakespeare?

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

I've had a lot of free time in heaven; 

I'm a huge fan of the 90's and 00's MTV;

plus don't tell him, but I'm a huge Eminem fan!

​

Both Richard and Tony look at each other, shocked.

​

RICHARD
Wait, seriously, bro? You too?

'Guess who's back, back again?'

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

'Shady's back, tell a friend'

​

Richard and William Shakespeare both nod.

​

TONY

(Confused)

Okay, well, are you two going to work together now?

​

Both Shakespeare and Richard shake hands.

​

RICHARD
I respect anyone who recognizes the GOAT.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Well, I mean, I'm kind of more talented.

Tony stares at Shakespeare sadly. Shakespeare and Tony introduce Richard to some famous quotes from Shakespeare's plays and his sonnets.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(CONT'D)

So, do you understand now, son, how

to woo a young lady?

​

RICHARD
For sure, bro, like with more

compliments like in your sonnets,

just nothing like Sonnet 130.

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(Sighs)

You know what, not all sonnets are going to be bangers.

Also, it was still a masterpiece. If you just--

​

Tony looks at Shakespeare and shakes his head. Both look at Richard, with hope.

​

TONY
So, what did you come up with, Rich?

​

RICHARD

(Proudly)

'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?/ Thou art more lovely'

​

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

(Angrily)

Hey! Plagiarism is no joke!

Both Tony and Richard look at each other and squint.

 

Blackout.

​

​