It is a sunny Saturday morning in Los Angeles, CA. A man in his forties and a fancy suit is waiting on the sidewalk with a woman in her sixties and a fancy dress suit.

 

Man #1: Hey, so how long did he say he would take?

 

Woman: Well you know he lives up on the hill, so honestly, with traffic, probably a couple of more minutes.

 

Man #1 (exasperated): Ugh, he made these plans and now we have to wait for him? You know I get paid to live and breathe?

 

Woman: Please, don’t even start! So, do I! Okay?

 

A fancy limousine appears, and a rich senior citizen exits it.

 

Man #2: Hey guys! You didn’t wait long, right?

 

Man #1 (fuming): Why did you invite us to meet at 11:00 A.M., if you didn’t even show up until 12:00 P.M.?

 

Man #2: Hey, little bud, calm down! Besides it’s called being fashionably late; you’ll get it when you grow up. Anyway, she’s also been waiting for us! Let’s get going!

 

Woman: The psychic? Please, if she really was one, then she’d have known that you would’ve been super late!

 

Man #2: Trust me, I heard she’s legit.

 

Man #1: And, who is your source?

 

Man #2 (holding open the door with a handkerchief): Why, Kanye West, of course! (Both people look at each other.) Oh, like you two never heard the song, “Gold Digger.” Ugh, I know Jeff Bezos hears that song on repeat; apparently, I should’ve invited him instead.

 

All three enter the little shop. A table sits in the center with the usual crystal ball and velour, purple tapestry.

 

Man #1: See, she’s not even here; where is the professionalism? She clearly needs a lesson on –

 

Miss Clair: Please, don’t tell me you would be an educator! I can see that you were never capable of that, after all, your daddy wasn’t one, so how would you have gotten a teaching job?

 

Man #2 (giddy): Isn’t she amazing? I told you that she was legit!

 

Man #1 clicks his tongue and hides behind the Woman.

 

Woman: Please, anyone could have googled him and easily found out that he was a nepo-baby.

 

Miss Clair: Awww, so you’re two skeptics. I usually have the most fun with you! Please choose a seat. My name is Clair, but you can call me Miss Clair.

 

The Woman stares in disbelief.

 

Miss Clair: I know, how coincidental, but mine doesn’t have the “e” at the end, so when you write it on the check, please keep that in mind!

 

They turn to look at Man #2 who begins to jot it down on his check.

 

Man #2: I told you both to bring your checkbooks. Don’t worry, she’s a little quirky but she’s -

 

Man #1 & Woman (interrupt): Legit, we know.

 

Miss Clair: Wow, are you two psychic, too?

 

They both stare at Man #2 and Miss Clair in disbelief.

 

Man #1: If this is some trick you both made up, oof, just you wait ‘til I bring my lawyer into this!

 

Woman (sighs): Last name, Miss Clair?

 

Miss Clair (proudly): Voyant! It’s French!

 

Man #1: That’s the fakest name!

 

Man #2 (elbowing Man #1 in the ribs): Please, ignore him. How much?

 

Miss Clair Voyant: I like to do the reading, first, and then you can pay me the amount you desire. However, I only ask that you sign it and then place it in this little slotted container.

 

Woman: Please, you can’t be serious!

 

Man #1: A blank check, does she think we’re stupid?

 

Miss Clair Voyant: ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ That’s from Forrest Gump!

 

Man #2 (begging): Come on! You two promised!

 

They each sign it off and place the blank signed checks in the locked container.

 

 Miss Clair Voyant: First, I’ll start with you, mister.

 

She points at Man #1. She shuffles the deck three times and then holds the deck in front of him.

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Please, cut the deck.

 

He does so, and then she moves the cards around and pulls his fated cards.

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Oh, hmmm, wow, okay, that makes sense, hmmm.

 

Man #1: What is it??

 

Miss Clair Voyant (annoyed): Please, I’m busy; don’t interrupt! (looks at the other participants) Rude, am I right?

 

Man #2 nods in agreement, and the Woman looks at the cards afraid. Miss Clair Voyant finishes flipping the cards over.

​

Miss Clair Voyant (confidently): Alright, so here’s some good news and bad news. Which you would you like first?

 

Man #1: I guess the bad news, first?

 

Miss Clair Voyant (excitedly): Yes, the cards also lined up in that order! Okay, well, firstly, we have the Tower card!

 

Man #2 gasps; everybody turns to look at him.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (nods): This is bad. You recently made a decision that has hurt the foundation of your company.

 

Man #1: Everybody knows that, but I stand by it.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (shaking her head): Well, then we have the 9 of cups, the Queen of Swords, and both the Knight of Wands and Knight of Cups. Meaning your wishes came true, but now your cups are empty. As, for the Queen of Swords, you have upset Justicia –

 

Man #1: Who?

 

Miss Clair Voyant (sighs): No more interruptions, Mr. David Ellison.

 

The Woman and David Ellison look at each other frightened.

 

Miss Clair Voyant: As, I was saying, Justice and Truth are no longer on your side and she is ready to fight. Her two messengers are two knights who are both passionate and full of emotion for the Truth and will carry out her message to the people. But don’t worry, both Stephen Colbert and the gentlemen from South Park will be moving on to something better, as demonstrated here by the overall energy in the six of swords.

 

David: What the hell??

 

Miss Clair Voyant: No, I don’t worship the devil, like you do. I get my talent from God. Now, for the future, we have the Death card under your Tower card, and then the King of Wands, the 10 of cups, the 8 of pentacles, and the Star card, with the overall energy being the Ace of Wands.

 

Man #2: Oooof, but don’t worry the Death card can mean transformation.

 

David: Stop!

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Actually, it isn’t bad. I mean yes, the Death card can mean that, but in your case, it’s the death of Paramount Plus, Paramount, and Skydance. But, it’ll be the transformation for the other gentlemen. They will rise to power, and all their wishes will be fulfilled; likewise, they may create and establish their own network as they have mastered the arts and are capable of producing their own network. The Star card indicates that they are blessed and guided by God, and the Ace of Wands is the overall energy for a passionate new beginning.

 

David: I hate this! I’ll call my daddy and have you evicted!!!

 

Miss Clair Voyant (points to the sign above her): Readings are done and non-reproachable.

 

David: What does that even mean?

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Next, is you, Mrs. Claire Shipman!

 

Claire Shipman: No, please, I take it back!

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Don’t be afraid, after all, you have been aiding in Trump’s reign of terror and never flinched.

 

Miss Clair Voyant prays, shuffles the cards and redoes the same procedure.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (pensively): Hmmm, okay – right, huh, you don’t say. Well then.

 

Claire Shipman: What?! What is it?!

 

Miss Clair Voyant (tired): I was getting to it! Your first card sets up the scene, in both your present and future sets, the 4 of cups appeared. You, as the Columbia University chancellor, failed to seize the opportunity God gave you to stand up and bee on the correct side of history.

 

Claire Shipman: Oh! That can’t be, I  just –

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Shhhh! I’m not done. The Chariot card indicates that this opportunity passed you by and left. Columbia used to be an institution known for its knowledge and skills as indicated by the 8 of pentacles, and it was deemed with regard, as indicated by the Star card. Now, however, the wheel of fortune will move based off your actions, and the wisdom you once had as shown by the King of Cups will turn its back on you.

 

Claire Shipman: We still have students incoming!!!

 

Miss Clair Voyant (agrees): Yes, but Columbia’s future indicates that some of the smartest students, indicated by the major arcana cards of the Hermit, Justice, and the Hierophant, will now no longer apply to your university, as indicated by the Moon card. Wise students and professors will now avoid your university, but don’t worry, their overflowing skills, as indicated by the Ace of Cups will be appreciated elsewhere, as shown in the overall Knight of cups.

 

Claire Shipman (angrily): What a farce! She’s a fake!

 

Miss Clair Voyant (recovers): Now, on to you, mister.

 

Man #2: Actually, that’s okay!

 

Miss Clair Voyant (passive aggressively): Please, I insist.

 

Man #2 (hesitantly): Ok.

 

Miss Clair Voyant gathers both decks, prays over them, and does the whole procedure again for Man #2.

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Well, it seems like there was a long time that the Dodgers hadn’t won, right Mr. Mark Walter? But then some new young players were brought in and lead to a new beginning, as indicated by the 5 of pentacles, 3 of pentacles, the Knight of Swords, and the Fool card. Wow, boy oh boy, did they lead to celebrations, two of them to be exact, both the 4 of wands and the three of cups. The Queen of Pentacles, also known as Fortuna, was on your side.

 

Mark Walter (sighs and relaxes): Oh that’s not that bad!

 

Miss Clair Voyant (correcting him): I used past tense. Your future is more different. You see, you were given this new fruitful beginning as shown by the Ace of Pentacles and the Sun cards, but you wasted it, because when the time came for the Dodgers to rise as the King of Swords, guardian of Truth and the community, you flinched. Now, I foresee years and years of lost passion and economic struggle, as indicated by the 5 of cups and 5 of pentacles.

 

Mark Walter: What the hell?

 

Miss Clair Voyant: I’m still not done. The nine of swords indicates that these decisions will finally weigh on your mind and take its toll for your compliancy. Lastly, the overall energy is the 5 of wands, pretty ironic, right?

 

All three look intrigued.

 

Mark Walter: What do you mean?

 

Miss Clair Voyant: Well, you see, it’s baseball and they use wooden bats, so does the card.

 

The three look bored.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (sighs): Fine, it also shows that there will be internal disagreements and maybe fights.

 

Mark Walter: No, not my boys.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (creeped out): So they’re actually grown men, and you don’t possess them.

 

Mark Walter: But I do own them.

 

Both Ellison and Shipman go: “Oh no” and shake their heads.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (shaking her head): Oof, another Donald Sterling. I’ll never understand why some creeps want to own people. Also, the internal fights might be because you credit and give so much money to one player, when the Dodgers have so many more talented and amazing players, but I digress.

 

All three look at Miss Clair Voyant angrily.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (confidently): So, now, for the payment.

 

David (adamantly): You think we’ll pay for that?!

 

Claire: As if!

 

Mark: You won’t see a penny!

 

As Miss Clair Voyant gathers and picks up her materials, the three rage on until there is complete silence.

 

Medusa (putting on her large, pink bow again): So, they didn’t like the readings, I take it.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (happily): Nope!

 

Medusa: You know you have to be careful, prima! What if I hadn’t shown up and turned them to stone?

 

Miss Clair Voyant (still happy): Come on, I saw that you would be here; plus, now we have three filthy, rich people’s checks. We finally have enough to start our own T.V. network!

 

Medusa: Huh, I guess you do have a knack for being extremely clever.

 

Miss Clair Voyant (proudly): Of course! I wasn’t an oracle centuries ago for nothing. Hey, by the way, how were the girls?

 

Medusa: Don’t you already know?

 

 Miss Clair Voyant: I do! Although it’s more fun to hear your perspective!

 

Medusa: Okay well, I got to see Justicia and Fortuna first and then we went to greet –

 

BLACKOUT.