EXT. DAY - AT A SWAMP IN FLORIDA

 

Stork: Wow, it’s been very peaceful recently!

 

The ibis lifts its head and looks around the deserted swamp.

 

Ibis (munching): Yeah, honestly, I would’ve been more worried, but after 2018, when that main alligator left the swamp, the rest of them just followed.

 

Stork (pondering): 2018, 2018, what happened that year again?

 

Ibis: You remember when Brett Kavanaugh moved to D.C.!

 

Stork: Oh, crap! I forgot about that predator!!

 

Ibis: Yup, Trump really drained the swamp and put them in offices!

 

SAME DAY - INT. THE WHITE HOUSE -  THE ROOM APPEARS SWAMPY AND MURKY.

 

A gopher with a male human body in a suit paces back and forth in the office. The other monsters stare.

 

Kash Patel (finally standing still and has a dramatic stare): What are we going to do now??

 

One monster, a blobfish head with a male human body in a tight suit almost choking his neck, voices out.

 

Tom Homan (struggling to breathe): Chillax, Kash. Seriously! You’re getting the rest of us dizzy. I mean look at Kristi Noem!

 

Tom Homan points at the monster with a chameleon head and a female human body in an all-white outfit whose eyes are dizzy and disoriented.

 

Kash Patel (fearful): It’s just that, you know, everything is ruined! The economy is tanking, Trump supporter Republicans are losing elections, and Trump is not going to be happy with the fact that his Nobel Peace Prize nomination is a joke.

 

Tom Homan (chuckles): Listen, the pig in the wig doesn’t get politics, and to be honest, neither do we.

 

The rest of the swamp monsters groan and grunt in cacophony.

 

Kash Patel (scared): I don’t think you should call him that. After all, if even his friends, like Jeffrey Epstein, meet ruin what do you think he’ll do to his enemies?

 

Tom Homan slaps Kash Patel’s back jokingly but hurts him; Kash Patel winces in pain.

 

Tom Homan (laughing): Dude, just say it, too! I know you think he is nothing more than a pig in a wig, none of us will tell him anyway. C’mon have some guts!

 

The other swamp monsters grunt in agreement, except one monster with a fly head and a female human body in a suit.

 

Laura Loomer (angry): Don’t you dare call Trump that! He is the most handsomest, most bravest, most smartest man you could ever meet!

 

Tom Homan (disgusted): Shoo, fly, don’t you have trash to swarm?

 

Laura Loomer buzzes angrily; the other swamp monsters mock her, too.

 

Tom Homan (disgusted): C’mon! It’s not like Beetlejuice, he won’t appear if you say pig in a wig three times! (Patel looks around uneasily.) Look, pig in a wig, see? No big deal!

 

A chime from the Pete Hegeseth's group chat is heard; an anonymous sender adds that the pig in the wig is headed towards them. The swamp monsters scrabble about frantically. A man in a large, baggy suit and thin but long red tie with a pig head and a blonde wig enters the swampy room.

 

Trump: Woah! Why is it so quiet? Cat’s got your tongues?

 

A snake reveals itself over Trump’s shoulder, but it has the face of  a man.

 

Stephen Miller (hissing and chuckling): Ssssssso funny, your exssssellency.

 

Stephen Miller’s tongue tickles Trump’s pig ear.

 

Trump (annoyed): Dammit, Miller! You always ruin things! They were all going to laugh at my jokes. (looks at the other swamp monsters) Right?

 

The swamp monsters all start laughing nervously; the fly head monster speaks up.

 

Laura Loomer: Oh, yes!! You’re just so funny, sir! Some even say you should have your own telev-

 

Trump waves his hand dismissingly.

 

Trump: Ewwww, what is that?

 

Stephen Miller (hissing in Trump’s ear): Why, she’sssss your misssstresssss, ssssir.

 

Trump: Oof, is this how far I’ve fallen?

 

Stephen Miller laughs, and Trump stares angrily before swatting him off. The phone starts to ring. Trump sighs of relief.

 

Trump (screams): Everybody get out! I have an important phone call!

 

Every monster leaves.

 

Trump (clears his throat): Hello, Satan, is that you?

 

Satan (calmly): Hey buddy! How have you been? Busy using the rats I sent you, I see. I told you that the insurrection terrorists would be valuable later, like for Homeland Security.

 

Trump: Yeah, I don’t know if it was really your idea or more of my idea.

 

Satan (angrily): After all I’ve done for you, you’re still trying to take others’ credit. You really are a work from hell!  (sighs to calm down): I’m both proud and pissed. And, I mean the whole you and Netanyahu Nobel Peace Prize Nomination; oh, shit! You both really have a special place waiting for you both in hell, but not near me, because as you know, my favorite is Putin. (Trump clicks his tongue.) Also, don’t forget though, you still owe me a fortune, but I can cash in my prize at any moment.

 

Trump (scared): No, not yet, please don’t take my soul. (covers the phone; to the audience) I never really was great at making deals.

 

BLACKOUT.