August 2, 1776 – The Founding Fathers gather to sign the final draft of the Declaration of Independence at the Pennsylvania State House.

 

Thomas Jefferson (restless): You guys, I finally have the official version of the Declaration of Independence. (mumbles) I don’t think it needed three revisions, but whatever. (loudly) So, everyone ready to sign it?!

 

Aaron Burr (eagerly): Bro, you really did us a solid coming up with this masterpiece! (Jefferson nods proudly.) I mean, dude, I don’t even think I could write this brilliantly! It’s just so…

 

George Washington (interrupts and side eyes Burr.): Dude, chill. I know you think Tommy is how you’ll get into politics, but even I think you’re being too much. I mean, we literally had to revise it more than once. (The others laugh, while Burr is consoled by Jefferson.) By the way, has anyone seen Benny boy? We can’t sign it without him!

 

Aaron Burr (recovered): Actually, now that you mention it, do we have to wait for Benjamin Franklin? I mean, the guy literally still goes to England and dines with the King! (Everyone stares. Burr clears his throat.) I’m just saying what we’ve all been thinking.

 

Alexander Hamilton: Bud, isn’t it actually just jealousy because Benny boy has more game than you, and women like him, like a lot? (George Washington starts laughing, and the rest follow.) I’m just joking, buddy. (He places a hand on Burr’s shoulder; Burr shakes it off.)

 

Aaron Burr (angrily, red in the face): Anyway, like Washington said, we should at least discuss who signs the Declaration first, right?

 

George Washington (whispers to Alexander Hamilton): I literally did not say that. Isn’t he annoying? (Hamilton awkwardly chuckles.) (to everyone) Okay, anyone have a suggestion?

 

Aaron Burr (blurts): I think Jefferson should go first!! (Jefferson sighs.)

 

George Washington: Bro, seriously? Didn’t I just tell you to chill? We know your Jefferson’s biggest fan, but it’s kind of cringe-worthy at this point.

 

Aaron Burr: Jefferson, bro, do you feel this way? (Jefferson sighs and avoids eye contact.)

 

The room falls silent; then suddenly, they hear a scribble.

 

Aaron Burr: Dude, did you just sign the Declaration, even though we were literally just debating who should sign first???

 

John Hancock: I just thought that I should lead by example. It’s not that big of a deal anyway, dude. Calm down. (Aaron Burr walks briskly back and forth.)

 

Alexander Hamilton (to Aaron Burr): It’s okay, buddy; we’ll all have our turn, anyway. (Again, Burr brushes him off.)

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Aaron Burr (raging): Dude, just leave me alone! Plus, everybody knows it should’ve been Jefferson!

 

Thomas Jefferson (screams): Seriously, Hancock?!

 

John Hancock (snacking): What, bro?

 

Thomas Jefferson: Your signature is what!! Dude, you took up what could have been like 5 other signatures! (Hancock shrugs.) I worked nights and days for this; I endured revisions from others even though I know it was perfect from the get-go. All for this! Dude, you never even made any suggestions or were really a part of this!!!

 

Everyone stares at John Hancock.

 

John Hancock (finishes eating and clears his throat): Seriously, dude? Who’s the one who volunteered to be the secretary? (Jefferson stares at the floor.) Also, I never voiced my opinion because y’all would just ignore me! I told y’all from the beginning to change mankind to humankind, so as to not exclude women, but no, y’all just laughed and called me a momma’s boy!

 

Alexander Hamilton (gently places his hand on Hancock’s shoulder): Guys, Hancock has a point. We could have made it more inclusive to everyone.

 

Aaron Burr (mutters): Always trying to be a hero.

 

John Hancock (shouts): Dude, seriously! This isn’t even about you! Plus, we say that “No taxation without representation” but we haven’t been inclusive to anyone. Instead, we appropriate others’ cultures and make the British think they stole our tea! (Everyone turns to look at Samuel Adams, who gets caught wolfing down a sandwich with British tea.)

 

Aaron Burr (angrily shouts): Well, you’re a smuggler!

 

John Hancock (scoffs): You still bought from me, I’ve funded a bunch of these meetings, and you never complained! Plus, don’t you think that there are bigger issues to address, like who can run for president and better rules for equality?

 

Alexander Hamilton (calmly): Guys, it’s okay. Remember we are uniting for the same cause, to leave a dictating monarch. Yes, we definitely should have fixed a lot of these issues, and if we had been more diverse, then we could have caught onto these flaws earlier, but we’ll have enough time to show the world, by setting an amazing example, so long as we remain united and embrace democracy.

 

Aaron Burr (mutters): You probably won’t get to see it.

 

George Washington (proudly): I couldn’t have said it better myself! Good job, Alex! We have to move forward and onward united. Oh, maybe that’s what we should call ourselves, United States of America, and drop the “thirteen!”

 

Jefferson and Burr look at each other, and Burr tries to comfort Jefferson. The doors open widely.

 

Benjamin Franklin: Hey guys! What did I miss?

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