The footage of the Eugenio Derbez podcast is rolling.

 

Eugenio Derbez: Selena es indefendible. / Selena is indefendible.

 

Gaby Meza: ¡Indefendible! / Indefendible!

 

Eugenio Derbez: Porque me gusta la película […] ¡No puedo creer que nadie este hablando de eso! / Because I love the movie […] I can’t believe that no one is talking about that!

 

Gaby Meza: Porque les da miedo hablar de Selena Gómez. / Because everyone is afraid of talking about Selena Gomez.

 

The video is now lost footage, but like they say, the internet is forever. Cut to an incessant apology rampage and retractions of Eugenio Derbez.

 

Narrator: Hi! Do you find yourself saying one thing, but then cowering the next? So much for having a backbone, right? It’s almost like you have no opinion and only care about your career after saying you were going to stand up regardless of repercussions; another nepo baby bites the dust, if you will.

 

August 19, 2024 – Chuck Schumer is interviewed by an NBC correspondent at the DNC 2024 convention for Kamala Harris.

 

NBC Correspondent: What’s your message for former President Donald Trump, tonight?

 

Chuck Schumer: (jokingly, horribly singing) ‘You can’t always get what you want.’

 

Footage cuts to 2025 where Chuck Schumer says that he is “voting for the bill to pass and keep the government open.”

 

Narrator: Wow, that was rough to watch and even worse to live through. (sighs) Do you find yourself wondering: ‘Am I an invertebrate?’ Well, boy oh boy, do we have a solution for you! Introducing inVertebrae! How does this work? Well, we prefer to let our results speak for themselves.

 

The ongoing footage is the outside of a fancy, creepy $1.6 million mansion. The door opens to reveal the spokesperson.

 

J.D. Vance: Hi, I used to lack a spine.

 

The footage of J.D. Vance calling Trump “America’s Hitler” rolls.

 

J.D. Vance: (wincing) Yeah, that was me, but now I work as Hitler’s – I mean, Trump’s V.P.; I can stand tall, at 6’ 2” thanks to inVertebrae.

 

The producers ask J.D. Vance about the potential plan to eradicate interracial marriages, like his own.

 

J.D. Vance: (looks at the camera and then away) Yeah, so the thing about inVertebrae is that it really works.

 

The camera zooms into his sweaty face.

 

J.D. Vance: (tugs at his collar and checks for the nonexistent sunlight) How does it work? (He looks at the production crew.) Well, does anybody else feel hot? I mean, I’m not the only one, right?

 

The camera shakes side to side to disagree.

 

J.D. Vance: (trying to appear cool and collected) Right! So, the way it works; well you know what? Honestly, I can’t really remember because I was under anesthesia. (The commercial crew winces.) Oh, yeah! They didn’t mention it? It’s a surgical procedure.

 

Background footage of Karoline Leavitt ranting and spouting nonsense.

 

Narrator: Well, isn’t he just a kill joy? But, he is right; for just the low, low price of your soul, you, too, can get our inVertebrae, putting the vertebrae back in you; now you may be wondering, what is this product made of? Well, great question-

 

The camera cuts back to J.D. Vance.

 

J.D. Vance: (flabbergasted) Wait! What?! I don’t remember selling my soul??

 

The footage goes to the January 6th terrorists looting and storming the capitol.

 

Narrator: No, don’t worry, J.D., you didn’t sell us your soul!

 

J.D. Vance: (sighs) Thank –

 

Narrator: (interrupts) Trump sold your soul. Don’t you remember the document you signed before pledging to be his V.P.? (The live feed from J.D. Vance’s mansion is cut off.) Anyway, you, the consumer, may want to make the deal with us yourself, because you see, if someone else sells your soul, like in Vance’s case, you’ll end up with our prototype model, which was inspired by George Washington’s teeth!

 

The live feed from J.D. Vance’s mansion resumes; J.D. Vance appears disheveled and bruised, and he is grabbing the camera like in The Blair Witch Project.

 

J.D. Vance: (out of breath) What??? What do you mean my spine is wooden???!!???

 

The footage cuts to Trump pardoning the insurrection terrorists.

 

Narrator: Yeah! We put the lumber in your lumbar! Get it? See we’re humans here, too, who love puns. (clears their throat and becomes serious) Anyway, you see, if you sell us your soul yourself, well you get to have a metal spine inserted, made by, take a guess. Are you guessing? (excitedly) Okay, okay, I can’t wait too long; yes, it is made from the same shitty, I mean, gritty aluminum from, you guessed it! Tesla! That’s right! Elon Musk is behind this innovation that no one asked for, but hey, if the rich are getting it and sponsoring it, it’ll be no time before the rest of society caves in, too!

 

Footage shows Dr. Oz, RFK Jr., and Elon Musk having a discussion with a inVertebrae banner in the background, and they pose for the cameras.

 

Narrator: So, you might be wondering: does either product actually work? Yes, it does, mostly, okay, temporarily; until the person’s autoimmune system fights the foreign substance, mostly the wood has pathogens. Oh! But, the metal eventually corrodes from the rust because well, that’s what happens when a pathetic human being tries to compare himself to God.

 

Footage cuts to showing J.D. Vance, Chuck Schumer, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and the 10 democrats who voted to censure Rep. Al Green deflating like a balloon.

 

Narrator: (speaking quickly like in the pharmaceutical ads) Symptoms may include dizziness, fatigue, headaches, inability to move, inability to move one’s head, inability to feel, pathogenically tainted blood from either wood or metal, please don’t consult a doctor if you have these symptoms, as they are incurable.

 

The footage shows Trump deflating.

 

Narrator: As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”