Donald Trump and his cabinet are back in his office, and Donald seems agitated and restless.

 

Trump (pacing back and forth at the rate of a snail): I just don’t get it! China and Russia are supposed to be my friends!! Why doesn’t anything go as I want?! I wish my daddy was here!! (pouts and starts to suck his thumb)

 

Suddenly, the song, “Daddy’s Home” by Usher starts playing; J.D. Vance winces, sighs, and starts unbuckling his belt and pants.

 

J.D. Vance (whispering): It’s okay, J.D. We got this; it’s so I can replace him later. (more audibly muttering) Think of eriKa KirK. Think of eriKa KirK. Think of eriKa KirK.

 

Kash Patel (disgusted): Dude, what the actual FUCK?!

 

J.D. Vance: Ummm, I don’t think you should judge me you coco-

 

Stephen Miller (slithering in): Guys, remember we have to appear to get along. Also, sir, should I play your dad’s previous interviews in the background to help you suck better, like Mark Tramo said?

 

Trump grunts, squirms, and then collapses on the floor. A mini-earthquake is felt; suddenly, the floor cracks open, and red smoke fills the room. Two figures emerge from the crack.

 

Stephen Miller (coughing): Crack open the windows we could die from this shit!

 

Satan (laughing): Oh, so you can bomb places but can’t take the smoke or heat? That’s wild.

 

The creature grunts and releases a cacophony of noises. Everyone but Satan covers their ears.

 

Trump (yelling): Shut up!!!! SHUT UP!!

 

Satan (surprised): Oh, fuck! He’s still alive; wow! I thought for sure this was it! Damn what a wasted trip, but we were also summoned, right, Abomination?

 

Abomination grunts in pain and agreement; the others keep covering their ears.

 

Satan: Wow, so you motherfuckers have no manners, huh?

 

Trump (uncovers his ears): He is disgusting to look at! I feel nauseous.

 

Abomination spouts out another cacophony of noises from Hell. Satan bursts out laughing.

 

Satan (wiping a tear away): Now that’s a sick burn, Abomination.

 

Trump (intrigued): What did he say?!

 

Satan (sighs): I forgot y’all still haven’t been to Hell yet; ummm, I guess it translates to: “Takes a bitch to know one.” You know?

 

Trump (fuming): Hegseth, shoot the thing! Kill it!!

 

Satan (horrified): Wow, you want to kill your father again?

 

Pete Hegseth gets the rifle and points it at Abomination. Trump stops Hegseth but gets shot in the foot.

 

Trump (crying and in pain): Daddy?! Is that really you?!

 

Satan (bursts out laughing): Oh shit! You didn’t think he went to heaven did you, dumbass? Oh shit, you did!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! If I could die, I’d die of this laughter!

 

Abomination starts laughing, too. Trump crawls to the creature and near Satan. The others just look onward. Trump reaches out his hand to touch Abomination, who yells and spits in his face.

 

Satan (snaps his fingers): Oh, I forgot to mention! I just used some of your father to create him! I also used your bestie, Jeffy!! That’s how he got his height! Then, there’s some Hitler, a little bit of Hoover, a sprinkle of the Bryants…

 

Trump (squealing like a pig): You monster!

 

Satan looks shocked, turns to Abomination, and ignores Trump’s presence.

 

Satan (smirking): Oh, yeah! Like you said (points to Abomination) takes a bitch to know one.

 

Trump rolls around like a pig in mud. The others all but Kash Patel unite help him get up.

 

Marco Rubio (grunting under the weight): What the fuck, Patel?! Get over here and help us!!

 

Kash Patel looks over at Satan, who winks at him.

 

Kash Patel: Nah, I’d rather stay here now; I mean if I’m headed to Hell and tired of this shit, I might as well remain with the one who truly owns my soul.

 

Satan (claps): Wow bitch, if I had a medal, I’d give it to you.

 

Kash Patel grins like a kiss-ass; the others still can’t get Trump up. Satan elbows Abomination and starts to loudly roast Trump.

 

Satan: Not the first time you can’t get it up, huh, Trump?

 

Abomination laughs loudly again and causes everyone to cover their ears, which in turn makes them drop Trump on the floor again and loud cracks are heard.

 

Satan: No, shit! I thought your bones were dust. Huh, you didn’t ask Elon to manufacture you some metal skeleton? Or are you okay with deez nuts (points near J.D. Vance's crotch) and allergic to doge nuts? (points at Elon's) Is that why you both broke up?

 

Trump: No, because it’s auto go on fire!

 

Satan: Si, se auto prenden en fuego! / Yes, they auto go on fire!

 

Marco Rubio starts laughing; Elon Musk starts angrily doing the Nazi salute like a broken toy.

 

Hegseth (angrily): Speak American!!

 

Satan and Abomination burst out laughing, while a flame starts to melt Hegseth’s plastic face.

 

Satan (crouching over Trump): Hey, is it true that Barron is the child of a child?! That’s the new conspiracy theory, by the way.

 

Trump (angrily and throwing a tantrum): He’s from Melania!!

 

Satan (elbows Abomination): Sure, (winks) like there weren’t fake pregnancy bellies back then.

 

Trump (squealing): Somebody do something!!!

 

Pam Bondi (running): Yes sir!!! I’m on it!!!

 

Pam Bondi trips over Trump and breaks her face, but nobody helps her out. Trump squeals once more and throws another Donald Duck tantrum.

 

Trump (squealing): It’s not fair!!! I should be king of the world!!! Me is king!

 

Satan (tilts his head): Of the Klu Kluck Kunts, maybe, right Abomination?!

 

Steve Bannon: Don’t insult our culture!!

 

Satan and Abomination turn to look at each other and burst into a fit of laughter.

 

Satan (panting): Ha, cult maybe, but never a culture, putos!

 

Abomination looks straight into Steve Bannon’s face which causes his eyes’ pupils to go white and Bannon begins to mutter incoherently.

 

Steve Bannon (muttering): We’ve moved on from Trump to Newsom and Talarico now. We’ve moved on from Trump to Newsom and Talarico now. We’ve moved on from Trump to Newsom and Talarico now. We’ve moved on from Trump to Newsom and Talarico now. We’ve moved on –

 

Satan (surprised): Oh shit! Don’t tell me it actually works! Hey, Abomination, use it on Trump now!

 

Trump (frightened): But your my momma!

 

Satan: I know you used the wrong you’re. (shaking his head) That’s what happens when you mate with an idiot (elbows Abomination once more who gets slightly offended.) Oops, I forgot!

 

Trump: I am worth billions!!

 

Satan (meets his face): You know why you hate the word Trans?

 

Trump (shakes his head): No, what do you –

 

Satan (interrupts): Because the TransUnion constantly lets you know that you have a net worth of nothing, except a negative credit score, the first to have ever existed.

 

Abomination bursts out laughing; Trump squeals and suddenly stops moving.

 

Satan: Crap! I really want to win this bet against the other devils, especially that smug, Beelzebub! (to Abomination) Do his autopsy! Was it the one single brain cell that he had left cause of the syphilis, like I bet, or was it the heart, like Beelzebub said? (whispering) Pretty sure he didn’t have one just like his nonexistent pen –

 

Abomination gets close, but Trump lets out a huge gasp for air.

 

Abomination (speaks): Trumputa (heavy breathing) lives!

 

Satan (bursts out laughing): You know, I’m pissed I didn’t win the bet, but I also haven’t lost. But thanks TrumPUTA for the teaching Abomination to speak. See you soon, okay? Stop denying and delaying the inevitable. You fit every stereotype, even the one about how you won’t live to 80.

 

BLACKOUT.

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