INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE – DARK & GLOOMY DAY.

 

J.D. Vance (carrying a McDonald’s bag): Oh, sir! I brought you your order: two large cokes, twelve cheeseburgers, ten fries, and two Big Macs as appetizers!

 

Trump (clicks his tongue): You think this is enough after what you did when those puppets fought me?

 

Karoline Leavitt (whispers): They didn’t fight you, at all.

 

Trump (cupping his ear): One more time, honey. You know these ears don’t hear like they used to. Also, you could come closer, I don’t bite. (He smiles creepily.)

 

Karoline Leavitt (coughs): Sorry, sir. I just (coughs) recently got sick, and I don’t want you to get sick either.

 

J.D. Vance nudges her to move closer to Trump.

 

J.D. Vance: Oh, don’t worry the President is in tip top shape; why, I follow his lifestyle to exceed the male life expectancy in the U.S.

 

Trump grins and looks around the room. The others begin to clap when he makes eye contact with them.

 

Trump: Yes, why follow these lifestyle youtubers when I’m the closest to nodding and some say, knowing.

 

J.D. Vance: Exactly, sir, you take the words right out of our minds!

 

Trump: Oh! Talking about blowing heads, I have someone I’d like to introduce to everyone!

 

Sydney Sweeney enters; the men all gawk, and the women all turn into level 500 “pick-me”s.

 

Sydney Sweeney (waves): Hi, boys.

 

Karoline Leavitt (to Kristi Noem): And what are we?

 

Trump: Yes, ladies, she’s here to replace one of you. After all, I can’t have a woman in her 50s near me! Yikes! (moves his hands like a fly) Also, she’s hot, and some of you, quite frankly, are not.

 

Half the men stare at Kristi Noem; the other half stare at Karoline Leavitt, who glares at them back.

 

Sydney Sweeney (vocal fry): My jeans are blue.

 

Trump (claps along with all the other men): Yes, sweetie, they are! Okay, well, I have flights to catch and some fights! See you all later!

 

Trump exits. The men are all fiddling with their jackets to hide their reproductive responses; the women glare at Sweeney. There is silence for a couple of minutes, until a text chime is heard.

 

J.D. Vance (yelling): Woah! Yeah! He’s officially out!

 

Pete Hegseth (to Sweeney): Yeah, so, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m in charge of a lot of men.

 

Tom Homan (yelling): I’m in charge of the borders.

 

Pete Hegseth: You take bribes!

 

Tom Homan: Well, you drink on the job!

 

J.D. Vance (sitting in the presidential chair): Yes, boys, while the cat is away, the mice will play.

 

Kash Patel: Oh, sir, you’re so funny!

 

Everybody grunts; Kash Patel stares at them.

 

Kash Patel (continues): What?

 

Kristi Noem: Dude, you’re such a sycophant!

 

Karoline Leavitt (shocked): O-M-Gee! You watched South Park? You’re a traitor!

 

Kristi Noem: Boo who, you ho, I know you’re not actually sick!

 

J.D. Vance: Ladies, ladies, please, don’t fight over us.

 

Both women roll their eyes.

 

J.D. Vance (continues): Shall we play our favorite game?

 

Kash Patel (clapping): Sir, you’re so smart!

 

J.D. Vance (ignoring Patel): Who wants to go first?

 

Tom Homan raises his hand, but Pete Hegseth goes first.

 

Pete Hegseth: Why did Trump break the escalator?

 

Everyone yells ‘Why?’

 

Pete Hegseth: Because he’s fat!

 

Everyone except Sydney Sweeney laughs.

 

Tom Homan (clicks his tongue): Why did Trump slur his words at the recent speeches?

 

Everyone yells ‘Why?’

 

Tom Homan (less angry): Because he’s sick!

 

Everyone except Sydney Sweeney laughs.

 

Sydney Sweeney (confused and a staler vocal fry): I don’t get it.

 

Kash Patel pops up out of nowhere, next to her.

 

Kash Patel: It’s a game we created, called sick or fat!

 

Sydney Sweeney stares at Kash Patel with her Gen Z look.

 

Kash Patel: I’ll go next. Why did Trump appoint RFK Jr. as the Secretary of the Health and Human Services?

 

Everyone yells ‘Why?’

 

Kash Patel (already laughing): Because they’re sick and fat!

 

Everyone except Sydney Sweeney boos. Kristi Noem consoles RFK Jr.

 

Kristi Noem: Wow, Kash, you’re such a killjoy.

 

Karoline Leavitt: Yeah, Kash, don’t you get that we’re all comrades in this trauma?

 

Kristi Noem: Yeah, I mean sure, we’re sycophants and don’t care about the American people or anyone else; we’re also as ugly on the outside as we are on the inside, but do you have to be like that?

 

Everyone goes quiet and stares at the floor.

 

Tom Homan (belching out): That’s why we got rid of DEI! Didn’t earn it! DEI! Didn’t earn it! DEI! Didn’t earn it!

 

They all start chanting ‘DEI!’ and ‘Didn’t earn it!’ in a cacophony; Kash Patel leaves the room.

 

Pete Hegseth (to Sydney Sweeney): Yeah, it’s not that difficult of a place to work in; just don’t mention Jeffrey Epstein, (Sweeney nods.) or Charlie Kirk.

 

Everyone gasps.

 

Sydney Sweeney: What are you trying to say?? Did Trump order –

 

Karoline Leavitt: Listen you’re still young, but –

 

Sydney Sweeney (interrupts): I’m 28.

 

Karoline Leavitt (shocked): We’re the same age?

 

Everybody yells ‘They’re the same age?’

 

Karoline Leavitt (angered): What the hell, everyone? I mean, we could practically be twins!  (Everyone stares at Karoline Leavitt with a look of sadness.) Anyway, you can’t mention them.

 

RFK Jr. (in his raspy, cacophony voice): Only J.D. Vance knows what was in those black bags that they threw out of the windows.

 

Everyone turns to stare at J.D. Vance, who is rocking himself back and forth in the Presidential seat.

 

J.D. Vance (muttering): The J in J.D. Vance stands for Jesus; The J in J.D. Vance stands for Jesus; one day, this will all be mine. The J in J.D. Vance stands for Jesus.

 

Stephen Miller slithers out from underneath the presidential desk.

 

Stephen Miller: Yeah, but the D stands for devil; we all chose to follow Trump and make him believe that he was Homelander from The Boys.

 

Karoline Leavitt (loudly): Yeah, but he looks nothing like Anthony Starr.

 

Everyone stares at Karoline Leavitt then back to Miller.

 

Stephen Miller (grunts and moves on): Don’t forget everyone’s pledge to Satan. Also, I’ve recorded everything to tell Trump.

 

BLACKOUT.

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