INT. WHITE HOUSE CHAMBERS – SUNNY WEEKDAY AFTERNOON

 

Incel #1: Dude, they’re taking forever!

 

Incel #2: Honestly, tho, bro.

 

Incel #3: What about this guy tho?

 

Mahin Ahmed (looks around puzzled): So, we’re all here to help the country, huh? You’re thinking look at this guy; he’s an immigrant. You know, I don’t mind risking my freedom to safeguard yours.

 

Karoline Leavitt enters with a stack of papers blocking her face.

 

Karoline Leavitt (exhausted): Okay, so you’ve all been approved for I.C.E.

 

All the incels get rowdy and cheer.

 

Karoline Leavitt: I have to remind you all that we are not responsible if you cannot shower daily.

 

Incel #3: Pshhhh, please I’ve been preparing my whole life for this.

 

Incel #2 (looks at an imaginary camera): Dude, that’s why I have Mando Whole Body Deodorant; it lasts for 72 hours.

 

Incel #1 (surprised): Oh shit, dude! I need one of those then! I only have the Sydney Sweeney Bathwater soap!

 

Karoline Leavitt (ignores them): Alright, so Machine, you –

 

Mahin Ahmed: So sorry, it’s pronounced Mahin.

 

Everyone stares at Mahin.

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Karoline Leavitt (brushes it off): Anyway, you go through that door, first.

 

Mahin exits through a door.

 

Karoline Leavitt: Okay, whoever catches him first gets a bonus!

 

Incel #2 (flexing his imaginary biceps): Dude, I’m so gonna get them $20,000.

 

Karoline Leavitt (whispers): All of you can go to hell.

 

Incel #1: What did you just say?

 

Karoline Leavitt (clears her throat): I said give them hell!

 

All three incels grunt, cheer, push, and rush out the door.

 

Karoline Leavitt (rustling through papers): Hi, good morning, sorry, afternoon, ummm, clearly you’ve seen what I have to deal with. I really can’t seem to find your resume or cover letter, but the fact that you’re here means that my subordinates already screened you, right, Mister…sorry, how do you pronounce that?

 

Count von Count: It is just as you see it, Count von Count.

 

Karoline Leavitt: Sorry, we don’t really read here, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.

 

Count von Count: Yes, I’ve noticed. Ha ha ha. (Thunder roars.)

 

Karoline Leavitt: Where did that thunder come from?

 

Count von Count: What thunder? Ha ha ha. (Thunder roars again.)

 

Karoline Leavitt: You know what, I learned to stop asking questions, so anyway, can you name some previous work experiences that you’ve had?

 

Count von Count: I can do you one better. I can count them on my hands; let’s begin, one, then two, oh, and of course, three –

 

Karoline Leavitt: Oh, clearly you know what you are doing, plus you’re also clearly European, so you’re hired as the new Commissioner of the BLS, or basic life support.

 

Count von Count: You mean the Bureau of Labor Statistics? Ha ha ha. (A lightning bolt occurs.)

 

Karoline Leavitt: You say potato, I say apple, understand? Anyway, welcome to the team, mister.

 

Weeks later, it is a dark and gloomy day at the White House. Trump paces back and forth in his mind, not physically. The others in the room stare afraid.

 

Trump (yells): Bring him in here!

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Steve Bannon (tosses him): I got him here, sir.

 

Count von Count (lands gracefully): You called?

 

Trump (fuming orange in the face): Listen here, I was told that you knew how to count, mister.

 

Count von Count: But, of course, I’ve had decades of experience.

 

Trump (mockingly): Clearly, you don’t! What’s this about you saying that the number of unemployed youth rose from 1.2 million to 21.1 million, huh? Did you forget to count my three children in it?

 

Count von Count: Well, actually you have four “working,” and if they count as youth, then so do I. Ha ha ha. (Thunder roars.)

 

Trump: Oh crap! Is that the devil calling me again?

 

Stephen Miller (consoling Trump): No, sir, remember we both updated his ringtone on our phones.

 

Trump (swatting Miller away): Anyway, where was I?

 

Karoline Leavitt (whispering from a large distance): That he does report the statistics correctly.

 

Trump (cupping his ear): One more time, honey, and get closer, I can’t hear that well.

 

Kash Patel (yelling and trying to kiss up to Trump): That he doesn’t report the statistics correctly.

 

Trump (grunting): I know; I was getting to it. (whispers to Tom Homan) Why do we still have him? I thought we got rid of DEI?

 

Tom Homan shrugs his shoulders, but his lack of a neck prevents the message from being delivered.

 

Trump (yelling again): Besides, didn’t you see that we are projecting a 5.2 million total employment job growth?

 

Count von Count (quickly): That was estimated during Biden’s administration for the healthcare and social assistance sectors; with all the cuts you’ve done to research funding, hospital and healthcare grants, and every department, you are the negatives. Even when you replace those you fired, the people you’ve fired are added to the negatives.

 

Trump (squeals like Donald Duck): You’re supposed to be my basic life support!

 

Count von Count (calmly): No, I’m the Bureau of Labor Statistics; I have my PhD in Statistics from Harvard University as well as my B.A. and M.B.A. Didn’t you see my –

 

Trump (squealing): A Harvard? (to everyone else) Dammit, you know I hate that university!!! Because –

 

Count von Count (retorts): Because you were rejected? Ha ha ha. (Thunder claps.)

 

Trump (looking everywhere else): Death, is that you?

 

Count von Count (retorts): Well, it does become you. Ha ha ha. (Thunder snaps.)

 

Trump (fuming orange): You, it’s you! Get me that puppet!

 

Count von Count (wittingly): It takes one to know one, ha ha ha. (Thunder double snaps.)

 

A little red puppet appears and takes the main attention.

 

Elmo: Leave Elmo’s friend alone!

 

Trump (fuming orange and throwing things to his goons): Why does no one protect me from these MONSTERS??!!!?

 

Elmo (calmly): Elmo only here to protect and find Elmo’s friend.

 

Trump: This purple bat has been safe.

 

Elmo (angrily): No, Elmo talking about Elmo’s other friend, Oscar!

 

Trump (waving dismissively): Nope, sorry to many Oscars to keep track of.

 

Elmo tries to lunge at Trump.

 

Count von Count (protects Elmo): Don’t worry, Elmo! Our plan worked, we’ve found Oscar, the immigrants, and the homeless people! I’ve already sent the plan details to Big Bird and the rest!

 

Elmo (teary-eyed): Thank you, Count! (looks at Trump) Go to Hell!

 

They exit mysteriously.

 

Trump: What – what the – what the HELL!!! You all just stood by for nothing???

 

J.D. Vance rushes in wearing a party hat and carrying party hats.

 

J.D. Vance (excitedly and catching his breath): Wooooo!!! So Trump finally croaked and got sent to Hell, huh?

 

Karoline Leavitt smacks her face; Kash Patel waves to get Vance’s attention, and Tom Homan points at Trump. Trump rages on like Donald Duck.

 

BLACKOUT.

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