INT. INFIERNO – FLAMES ENGULF THE ROOM

 

Satan (pokerface): Okay, I’ll draw two.

 

Diabolos smirks, and the tortured former president Andrew Jackson grunts as he shuffles the cards and throws two out for Satan.

 

Diabolos (smirking): So, I heard you visited your filthy offspring.

 

Satan (ignoring Diabolos): Beelzebub, are you gonna draw, or no?

 

Beelzebub looks over at Diabolos and stifles a chuckle.

 

Beelzebub: My drawings aren’t as hideous as your offspring, Trumputo.

 

All the devils laugh except for Satan, who gets redder.

 

Diabolos (egging on): Come, come now Satan; don’t tell me Trumputo has grown on you?

 

Diabolos elbows Beelzebub; both laugh, and Satan turns to face them.

 

Beelzebub: I heard that Trumputo grows everything.

 

Satan (intrigued): What? Weed? Or Fentanyl?!

 

Diabolos (laughing): Come on! I meant syphilis, parasites, chlamydia, and so much more. But, you know fentanyl is synthetic, like Ozempic.

 

Satan looks puzzled.

 

Diabolos (continued): You know like the thing that Steve Bannon, Tom Homan, J.D. Vance, Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk take!

 

Satan palms his horns.

 

Beelzebub: Duh! Like those pigs are healthy, but don’t you dare forget Peter Thiel and David Ellison!

 

Diabolos (shy): I mean they are my only twin offspring; so it’s shameful that they need Ozempic to lose weight.

 

Satan bursts into a fit of laughter; Beelzebub and Diabolos turn and stare at each other.

 

Beelzebub: Did I miss something?

 

Satan (wiping an evaporated tear): No, I forgot that those hideous things were yours, Diabolos.

 

Diabolos (angry): Is it my fault the mare I fucked was lying about being beautiful?!

 

Beelzebub (joins Satan in laughing): Her name is Nightmare the Mare, and you thought they’d be beautiful!! Oh shit, someone’s optimistic in this hellhole!!!

 

Diabolos (gets the joke): You’re right; they’re some of my ugliest creations! You’d think that with all that money they’d get a new face and body!!

 

Andrew Jackson starts to laugh, and the devils each take a turn inflicting pain.

 

Diabolos (continued): Don’t you just hate it when the help thinks?

 

Beelzebub (jabbing Andrew Jackson): Thinks? He’s a good-for-nothing. (shaking his head) Just like Hoover.

 

Diabolos: That’s the joke! Andrew Jackson was our test trial of an incel!

 

Satan (stoically and stabbing Andrew Jackson): Yeah apparently they really liked these trial incels. That’s why my offspring is favored.

 

Diabolos (surprised): Oh shit!! Are you proud of Trumputo?!

 

Satan (angered): Never, he’s got the Shidas Touch! But only I can call him that!

 

Mammon, a greedy devil, joins in.

 

Mammon (mockingly): Trumputo, Trumputo, Trump is a puto! What are you going to do about it?!

 

Satan puts down his cards and gets up.

 

Diabolos (side eyeing): Ohhh dude, no mames, Mammon! Now you’ll really feel his wrath.

 

Satan (lurks over Mammon): You. Aren’t. Supposed. To.

 

Mammon stares straight at Satan; the other devils lean in to see the potential fight occur.

 

Satan (continued): Explain the joke! (Satan bursts out laughing, and Mammon does too.)

 

The devils stare confused.

 

Mammon: If only you played poker with that pokerface!

 

Satan (still laughing): Who says I’m not winning?!

 

Beelzebub (confused): Well, we all placed a bet that Trump would die soon and wagered on his death occurrence, but it seems he’s got a bunch of doctors on standby to revive him.

 

Diabolos (chimes in): And they say he’s healthy! Healthy as a –

 

Satan (interrupts): A horse!!!

 

Beelzebub (throws his cards): Dammit!!

 

Mammon (confused): What?!

 

Diabolos (angered): FUCK!!

 

Mammon (still ignorant): What?! Will someone explain it?!

 

Satan burst out laughing and reaches for the pile of skin and bones that they were wagering.

 

Beelzebub: Satan knows!!

 

Mammon: What?!

 

Diabolos: There’s no way! Only the Angel of Death knows when and how Trumputo will die, and I highly doubt he’d tell you!!

 

Satan (chuckling): True, he didn’t. Let’s just say this, if I want something I’ll get it.

 

Beelzebub (confused): I thought Trumputo tried to extend his time by offering all those endless sacrifices?

 

Satan (angered): Yeah, that stupid pig doesn’t get that sacrifices who aren’t willing can’t be mine, like Kirk. But, I mean will I still get Neal Dunn? Yes, but I’ll also get Trump this year. Count on that.

 

Satan reveals his cards, and the devils each one by one get angry and fold. Satan bursts into laughter, but then Abomination comes in and whispers some cacophony into his ear and horn.

 

Satan: Welp, if you don’t mind, I have some shit to visit.

 

Beelzebub: I knew we shouldn’t have trusted his game!

 

Diabolos: With those cards, he was guaranteed a win.

 

Mammon: Still I can’t believe that they all colluded to make a deal with Satan and sacrifice Trumputo.

 

Diabolos (shaking their multiple heads): Que cabrones!

 

The cards were a royal flush: David Ellison as the Ace of shit; Peter Thiel as the King of shit; Elon Musk as the Queen of shit;  Jeff Bezos as the Jack of shit; and Mark Zuckerberg as the 10 of shit.

 

BLACKOUT.