EXT. SANTORINI MANSION – DAY.

 

Nikki Glaser: Hi, everyone! Did you miss us? I’ll catch you up on the juicy gossip! Diana and Michael have been consistent in their infatuation with each other; Athena still lurks, I mean, looks at them, and Aphrodite, well, she’s been a great pleasure, as she keeps us all on our toes!

 

The camera cuts to Aphrodite in the confession room.

 

Aphrodite (fluffs up her hair): Awww! Isn’t Nikki a sweetie? Well, honestly, I am the content and star of this reality, but Michael and Diana have been the cutest to observe! I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I just know my son is behind this amazing, in-the-works couple!!

 

The camera returns to the scenic pool shot and Nikki Glaser.

 

Nikki Glaser (smiling): Thank you, Aphrodite. (gets serious) We are still searching for our producer, but as they say, the show must go on. (gets excited) And, go on, we will! Our contestants have a new curveball thrown at them, well, actually it’s more like the golden snitch from Harry Potter.

 

The contestants and the ladies are all gathered together and look at each other confused.

 

Athena (shaking her head): He is not going to appreciate that comparison.

 

Nikki Glaser (signals the reveal): That’s right! We were alerted that someone else wants to join our show! It is none other than, Eros!!!

 

Eros confidently and quietly walks to greet Nikki Glaser, then his mother, his aunt, and Diana. The contestants begin to whisper, and two men start to loudly voice their frustration; one is a bearded man wearing a “Moo Culture” cap, and the other is a bald man wearing an “I’m not balding I’m just getting more head” black t-shirt.

 

Bradley Fartyn (overconfidently): Ummm, I think I speak for all us men when I say: this isn’t fair!

 

Andrew Hate (ignorantly): Yeah! I also disagree with this! How are we supposed to compete with a god?

 

Nikki Glaser: Huh, that’s weird because none of you cared when Diana had to deal with this.

 

Andrew Hate: But –

 

Nikki Glaser: Oh! Talking about where you both fall flat, there is going to be a competition tomorrow. You won’t want to miss this!

 

The feed goes to the confession room.

 

Diana (happily): Hi! Yeah, I’ve been well; thank you! I’ve been having such a great time; everyone has been very nice! (blushes) Oh, Michael? Yes, he’s just so sweet and amazing; he’s a medical anthropologist and has an older sister who just recently had her second baby! (She sighs and swoons.) Did you know that?

 

The feed now goes to Michael in the confession room.

 

Michael (smiling): Hey! Yeah, it’s been great! Diana is just amazing! I honestly didn’t think anything when my sister suggested that I go on this show, but I’m so grateful for this opportunity! Diana’s just – (He sighs, blushes, and gently touches his cheek.) Wait, what? Really, Athena keeps tabs on us? Huh, I never noticed.

 

The feed goes to Athena and Aphrodite in the confession room.

 

Athena (coyly): Like I said, I haven’t really noticed any missing men.

 

Aphrodite: Athena, stop changing the subject! The question was why didn’t you tell me that my son was going to participate in the show?!

 

Athena: I just thought that now you’d know how it feels like to be forcefully volunteered on a show that I didn’t want to be in!

 

Aphrodite (smirks): No! You actually want to get in their way, don’t you?

 

Athena gasps; Aphrodite notices and chuckles.

 

Aphrodite (continues): Yes! You want to be with Michael!! I see your plan now!

 

The camera cuts to the gym room where both Andrew Hate and Bradley Fartyn are excessively working out at midnight, while everyone else is sleeping.

 

Andrew Hate: That’s when I said, I’ll only give CPR to hot chicks and no one else!

 

Bradley Fartyn (admiringly): Wow! How are you so smart, bro?

 

Andrew Hate (stupidly overconfident): Yeah, I guess you can say I’m just smart, like from birth. By the way, I haven’t seen Daniel since the first day. Have you?

 

Both keep excessively working out, without stretching, and compete in pre-workout consumption. The next morning arrives, and everyone is gathered in the living room after their breakfasts.

 

Nikki Glaser: I’m sure you all remember that there is a competition today! I hope everyone is –

 

Andrew Hate (wearing a towel and no shirt): Yeah, we know, and both Bradley and I are going to destroy the others in the competition because we stayed up all night working out. You betas could never.

 

Bradley Fartyn (hyping up the perpetually incorrect mansplainer): Yeah! You tell ‘em, bro!

 

Michael: Betas? I don’t think two Homo erectus should be saying anything.

 

The rest of the men and women burst out laughing.

 

Bradley Fartyn (turns to Andrew Hate): Dude, what did he call us?

 

Nikki Glaser (stifling her laughter): Well, you wasted your night. (She returns to addressing everyone else.) Today, the men are competing outside, and the competition is –

 

Andrew Hate: MMA!

 

Bradley Fartyn: Weightlifting!!

 

Nikki Glaser (sighs): Chess, you annoying, ignorant tiny –

 

Aphrodite (loudly): Dick’s! Oh, Dick’s Sporting Goods! (She claps her hands.) That’s where I got my Stanley cup, Diana! (Everyone is staring at Aphrodite.) Oh! I’m sorry! Was I interrupting something?

 

Nikki Glaser (recomposed): As I was saying, the top three winners will get a date with the lucky lady that they choose. Up first, Bradley Fartyn and Michael!

 

Bradley Fartyn: Oh! This is going to be a piece of cake.

 

Nikki Glaser: Wow!! Michael beat Bradley in three moves! Next up, Eros versus Andrew Hate!

 

Bradley Fartyn walks away from the chess table dejectedly, and Andrew Hate taps him on the shoulder.

 

Andrew Hate: Don’t worry, bro, I’ll avenge you.

 

Eros beats Andrew in two moves.

 

Nikki Glaser (clapping): Wow!! That was so quick, (looks at Bradley Fartyn and Andrew Hate) I’m sure that other women have said that to you both every time.

 

Andrew Hate (squeals): Whatever! These females aren’t even worth my time!

 

Eros gets angry and is about to charge at Andrew, but his mom places her hand on his to reassure him.

 

Andrew Hate (continues): You know, they say these two are goddesses, but I think they’re mid, just like Marilyn Monroe. And Diana, don’t even get me started on how basic and boring she is.

 

Michael is about to charge towards him, and Diana tries to gently stop him, but Michael gently evades her and punches Andrew Hate on his face.

 

Andrew Hate (hysterical): Oh!!!! Just you wait!!! I’m going to report and sue you!

 

Athena screams, and everyone turns to face her. Then, Andrew Hate and Bradley Fartyn disappear. The chess competition continues, until they find the three winners.

 

Nikki Glaser: Wow, what an exciting competition! Let’s congratulate our three winners: Eros, Michael, and Gabriel! Eros, since you won first against Michael, you get to go first!

 

Eros (nonchalantly): I choose Diana.

 

Michael looks disheartened.

 

Nikki Glaser: I’m sorry, Michael; it’s your turn now and you can only choose between the goddesses.

 

Michael: Ummm, I don’t really feel like, -

 

Athena: It’s okay! I’ll volunteer.

 

Diana looks disheartened, and Gabriel stares dejectedly.

 

Aphrodite: Sorry, Gabriel, I guess you’re stuck with me!

 

Nikki Glaser: Oh, I’m just being told by the producers that Andrew and Bradley have been missing. If anyone knows anything, please talk to the police, because now that four men have disappeared, it screams sketchy. Also, on a random note, two hogs have been found near our mansion. Don’t worry! They have been caught, but they really made the cops chase after them; apparently, they were abnormally strong and then tested positive for steroids! Don’t worry, a laboratory collected them and will do further studies on them.

 

Everyone looks at Aphrodite. She stares surprised; meanwhile, Athena sneaks off to the confession room.

 

Athena (confidently): Yup, I turned them into hogs, and what about it?

 

BLACKOUT.

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