INT. M&A TALKSHOW HEADQUARTERS – SUNNY DAY.

 

Clapper (nervously): Live show in 5, 4, 3, 2, -

 

The camera broadcasts the introduction image and zooms to the seated hosts, Medusa and Aphrodite. Aphrodite stands up and roses fall from the ceiling; everyone cheers.

 

Aphrodite (blowing kisses): Hello everyone! We’re so excited to have this platform and hopefully not ruffle too many feathers with our views.

 

Medusa (calmly): Yes, but I won’t shrink away my opinions or takes, especially with today’s guests.

 

Aphrodite (smiling): Of course! After all, if you’re watching this, you know who and how we are.

 

Medusa: Today’s main topic on our show is the RP Pipeline; let us welcome our first guest.

 

Everyone claps and looks about excitedly.

 

Aphrodite (reassuringly): Sweetie, you were supposed to name drop; let’s welcome, Selena Gomez, and in a short bit, Sabrina Carpenter.

 

Everyone stays clapping and “oohs” and “ahhs” as Selena Gomez enters.

 

Selena Gomez (smiling): It’s a pleasure to be here.

 

Aphrodite: I know. (The audience chuckles.)

 

Medusa: Let’s get down to business. So, did you know you’re on the cusp but still entered the RP Pipeline Report?

 

Selena Gomez (puzzled): Excuse me?

 

Medusa: Well, you’re not excused. Now let’s move on to the next guest, Sabrina Carpenter.

 

Sabrina Carpenter enters; some audience members gasp and others stay quiet.

 

Sabrina Carpenter (smiling): Hi, everyone, I like to keep things short and sweet!

 

Medusa (interrupts): Well that’s actually debatable.

 

Sabrina Carpenter: Excuse me?

 

Medusa (calmly): You’re also not excused.

 

Sabrina Carpenter (puzzled): What’s going on here? I thought I was supposed to be promoting my album.

 

Aphrodite (flips her hair): Oh sweetie, no sane woman would want to promote your album, just creepy radio shows like Ryan Seacrest with a hidden agenda.

 

Selena Gomez: Just what’s going on here?

 

Medusa: Now, everyone, here is our next guest, Cardi B.

 

Cardi B enters; a small, few people in the audience cheer.

 

Cardi B: Hey, okurrrr!!! Owwww!!!! Also, I saw and heard less cheering for me.

 

Medusa: Are you going to apologize?

 

Cardi B: Huh?

 

Aphrodite (to Medusa): So, mark that as a no.

 

Cardi B: The hell is going on?!

 

Selena Gomez: I was wondering the same thing.

 

Medusa: Our next guest is Taylor Swift.

 

The audience stares as Taylor Swift enters.

 

Taylor Swift: Umm, I think y’all forgot to announce me.

 

Aphrodite (calmly): No, sweetie, we did.

 

Taylor Swift (to Selena Gomez): What are you doing here?

 

Selena Gomez: Honestly, I don’t know.

 

Medusa: Let us welcome our next guests: Chapelle Roan and Jessica Alba.

 

Chapelle Roan and Jessica Alba also enter without a cheering crowd.

 

Chapelle Roan: What the hell is going on? Don’t you know how busy I am?

 

Jessica Alba: Honestly, thank you for letting me be a part of this.

 

Aphrodite: Yeah, don’t be proud. Now, for our next guest, Cheryl Hines.

 

The audience gasps in horror.

 

Medusa: I know she’s scary, but we need to get a move on.

 

Cheryl Hines: Y’all trying to troll me?

 

Aphrodite (smiling): No, we’re nothing like your husband.

 

Cheryl Hines: Wait a –

 

Medusa: Next guest, Sydney Sweeney.

 

A third of the audience boos as Sydney Sweeney enters.

 

Sydney Sweeney: Yeah, whatever, I’m used to it now all cause my genes are blue and you -

 

Selena Gomez: Wait a minute, is this –

 

Aphrodite: Up next, Jennifer Lawrence!

 

A cricket is heard when Jennifer Lawrence enters.

 

Jennifer Lawrence (awkwardly chuckles): Hey guys, I was told that –

 

Medusa (nonchalantly): Last but not least, the “dynamic” duo: Nicki Minaj and EriKa KirK.

 

The audience boos as they both walk in together.

 

Sabrina Carpenter: Wait a minute, Selena Gomez is right what is going on here?

 

Aphrodite looks to Medusa, as they debate who should answer the question first.

 

Aphrodite: Do you want to tell them, sweetie, or me?

 

Medusa: You know I’m more confrontational, and as my co-host, I would appreciate your input.

 

Aphrodite (smiling): So, you’re all here because you scored high on the RP Pipeline scale.

 

Taylor Swift: RP?!

 

Medusa: I thought the pseudo-English teacher would know all about hidden remarks, like your last album?

 

The audience gasps and “ooh”s. Sabrina Carpenter and Selena Gomez look at each other.

 

Sabrina Carpenter: Listen, we’re not part of the red pill pipeline.

 

Aphrodite: Well, it goes by levels, and your last album, oof.

 

Sabrina Carpenter: Guys, it’s just a picture or two. Plus, don’t kink shame me!

 

Aphrodite and Medusa stare at each other and burst out laughing.

 

Taylor Swift: Yeah, leave her alone, You know there’s a special place in hell for women who –

 

Medusa (interrupts): Bitch, please.

 

Aphrodite: God, she’s so annoying.

 

Medusa (to Sabrina): Your album shows everything; your lack of knowledge on the rights women have fought for, especially the misogyny and harassment that women in the 50s faced, as well as the persistent fetishization of both Lolita and abuse that most industries esteem.

 

Sabrina Carpenter (panicking): We had already printed the merch and albums!! It’s not my fault!

 

Aphrodite: Don’t try to ignore your agency and choices. You could have changed it, but you chose not to; that’s why you scored higher than Selena Gomez.

 

Sabrina Carpenter (insistently): Don’t kink shame me!

 

Medusa: Girl, if that’s your kink, that’s sad. But then again, I can’t relate.

 

Selena Gomez: Because your hair is composed of snakes?

 

Medusa turns to face Aphrodite, who also turns to look at Medusa.

 

Medusa (nonchalantly): Nope, because I’m not a bottom.

 

Aphrodite (excitedly): Same, girlie, same. I can’t relate because I’m a top.

 

Both Medusa and Aphrodite fist bump each other and turn to stare at Sabrina Carpenter who sits down and thinks about her life.

 

Selena Gomez: What did I do?

 

Medusa: Well, it was good that you spoke up, but then you gave up afterwards.

 

Selena Gomez: Tom Homan was bullying me!

 

Aphrodite: Tom Homan is a walrus that made a deal with the devil; regardless, people are being pepper sprayed and separated from their families –

 

Medusa: But, since you’re rich, you didn’t endorse V.P. Kamala Harris.

 

Chappelle Roan: Omg! We don’t have to be political if we don’t want to! We aren’t politicians!

 

Medusa: That’s true, but that in itself is a political stance. Besides, you were willing to be political to gain an audience, and the moment you had one, you forgot about the struggles of the people, huh?

 

Chappelle Roan: Yes, no, I mean –

 

Aphrodite: Educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

 

Chappelle Roan: But, Kamala Harris isn’t perfect, and –

 

Medusa (upset): Bitch, and you are?!?!!

 

Chappelle Roan stares and sits back down.

 

Aphrodite (calmly): That’s what we call white privilege; you want to be humanized but lack the empathy for others. Yes, humans are all flawed, but guess what? Trump and his goons are demons from Hell that you helped gain power by tearing more division and spreading hateful rhetoric.

 

Selena Gomez: But I didn’t –

 

Medusa: Your stupid movie; really? Not to mention the fact that you could take Spanish classes with all your wealth –

 

Aphrodite (completes her sentence): But you’ve chosen not to, and the fact that you choose to ignore how right-wing some people have become, like Jimmy Fallon and Disney.

 

Cardi B (nodding): That’s true! ¿Pero porque yo estoy aquí?

 

Medusa (calmer): Simple, the fact that you also expressed hatred about Mexicans and Chicanos.

 

Cardi B: I just said that I wasn’t a dirty Mexican.

 

Aphrodite reassures and tries to relax Medusa.

 

Aphrodite: Yeah, that’s racist, as white people, especially Woodrow Wilson and his thugs, created a false stereotype that Mexicans “didn’t shower” and had them in gas chambers with a carcinogenic that later inspired Hitler. Plus, you never apologized for it.

 

Cardi B stares off into space; Taylor Swift rises.

 

Taylor Swift: Okay but how am I red pill?

 

Medusa: First of all, that’s not what our graph charts, but since you brought it up, your low self-esteem and attacks on Kayla Nicole?

 

Taylor Swift: OMG! You guys are reading too much into it!

 

Medusa: Says the bitch that claims to be an “English teacher.”

 

Aphrodite: What she means to say is, sweetie, you’re not fooling anyone. Silence is also an action. Also, nobody wants your man.

 

Taylor Swift sits back down. Sydney Sweeney tries to escape.

 

Aphrodite: You know we can see you, right?

 

Sydney Sweeney: My man will be here to defend me.

 

Medusa: Your man only wants you for now, but what will you do when times catches up?

 

Sydney Sweeney leaves crying to the restroom. Nicki Minaj is about to speak up.

 

Medusa: And then there is you.

 

Nicki Minaj: Don’t think I can’t defend myself.

 

Aphrodite (sadly): That’s the thing; you could’ve, but you chose to find help in evil people.

 

Medusa (angered): I was a fan, but I should have seen the blaring red flags from the men and how you defended their actions multiple times. I guess some pick-mes are more difficult to spot.

 

Nicki Minaj sits back down and rolls her eyes.

 

Medusa (continued): By the way, stop deleting your Instagram.

 

Nicki Minaj (laughing): Because I have the right to freedom of speech?

 

Aphrodite: I mean yeah, but no, so we can unfollow you on it. It’s like a cat and mouse game at this point.

 

Medusa: And last and certainly least, EriKa KirK.

 

EriKa KirK: What?! You liberals want to debate, because I have more experience that these girls.

 

Medusa: This was never a debate; you take advantage of everything. It shouldn’t be called Turning Point, but rather Advantage Exploit.

 

Aphrodite: We all know that you’re as - if not - dirtier than Karoline Leavitt in this administration.

 

EriKa KirK: I don’t know what you mean.

 

Aphrodite: As you’ve said, you do. But, I’ll let you know that when Trump is gone, sadly before Justicia can finally begin the reckoning, you might want to flip sides.

 

EriKa KirK: I don’t know what –

 

Medusa (chuckles): You do; that’s why flipping like Marjorie Taylor Greene in due time will be your and your family’s safest bet. After all, we have bigger pigs and fish to fry.

 

Aphrodite: But, wow, EriKa, you scored the highest on the RP scale.

 

Selena Gomez: So, what does the scale mean?!

 

Medusa (nonchalantly): Once you learn Spanish, you’ll get it, but R.P. stands for: Rete Pendeja.

 

BLACKOUT.