INT. BREAKING NEWS FOX NEWS STUDIO – DAY

 

Reporter 1: Good evening, everyone! We have a breaking news report, except it’s actually an exclusive interview with a star that has been on the rise this year!

 

Reporter 2: I bet it’s the one and only, Mr. President Trump! (Raises his arm and salutes the camera.)

 

Reporter 3: Well the fact that it’s exclusive means that it has to be someone who hasn’t been hogging the spotlight. (Reporter 2 rolls his eyes at her comment.) I think it has to be, oh, probably, Brett Cooper!! She is after all making it her mission to bring comedy back!

 

The two other reporters look at each other and roll their eyes.

 

Reporter 1: Without more incorrect guesses, our special and exclusive guest is none other than the one, the only, the ---

 

Reporter 2 (interjects): Med USA!!! (Reporter 3 starts chanting “USA! USA! USA!” in the background.)

 

Reporter 1 (angered and confused): Damn it, you always interrupt me, and I don’t think that is correct…

 

On a separate monitor feed, Medusa is connected to the live broadcast.

 

Medusa (singing and rocking her head back and forth): ‘Whipped it out, she said,/ “I never seen snakes on a plane”’.

 

The three reporters gasp and have horrified looks on their faces.

 

Reporter 2: Ewwww! Gross! What is that??

 

The other two reporters struggle to compose words.

 

Medusa (nonchalantly): That’s rude; I mean, yeah, I don’t like Kanye West as a person, but that song is a bop, and I know that you know that, too.

 

Reporter 3 (fearfully): No, I don’t think he was referring to the song; after all, we take any allies that we can get, so Kanye is great in our books, well, the books that President Trump allows. (Reporter 3 raises her hand and salutes the camera.) I think he was shocked by, well, you.

 

Medusa (confused): Oh, my big, pink bow! Yeah, I heard coquette is in style; so, I’m in my pink coquette era!

 

Reporter 3 and Reporter 2 (in unison): No, that’s not it.

 

Medusa (nonchalantly and bored): Listen, I was told this would be an interview, but since I have the floor, I’ll be giving my segment then! I’ve always wanted to try being a news anchor!

 

The feed goes back to the FOX News studio, where Reporter 2 and Reporter 3 keep staring in shock and horror; Reporter 1 is trying to wheel herself sneakily and squeakily out of this interview.

 

Medusa (continued): Jeanine Pirro! Is that you?

 

Jeanine Pirro (clicks her tongue and stops moving her chair): Medusa, I should’ve known it was you.

 

Reporter 2: Do you two know each other?

 

Jeanine Pirro (seething): What, Sean Hannity? So, you just think that because I’m older that I know everyone?

 

Medusa (calmly): Girl, it has been centuries since I’ve seen you! Wow, medical advancements really have tried to preserve you, huh?

 

Jeanine Pirro stares furiously; Sean Hannity breaks out laughing.

 

Medusa (trying to mask her frustration): Since neither of you, Sean and Tomi, know how to do journalism. I’ll give you a free lesson! (She smirks.)

 

Tomi Lahren and Sean Hannity click their tongues and look angry, but they are silenced by both Jeanine Pirro and the producers.

 

Medusa (confidently and brushes one of her snakes gently): As everyone knows, 2025 has been a year, (The three reporters nod their heads.) a year of the snake and snakes.

 

The camera pans to the three looking more horrified.

 

Tomi Lahren (waving her hands): Mrs. Medusa, please, we can’t --

 

Medusa (waving her index finger): Don’t be rude, Tomi. I’m still a single pringle because no one can lock me down. (Medusa fluffs up her snakes.) Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, snakes have been on the rise this year.

 

The three continue to roll their eyes.

 

Medusa (confidently): Don’t worry I’ll do your job and with a splash of comedy, like the best. (clears her throat) To begin, David Dobrik has been trying to come back; he thinks getting his body fit changes everything, meanwhile even his eyes are trying to distance themselves from him. Speaking of snakes and body transformations, Nikocado Avocado is back, as well! Nothing says joke’s on your audience like damaging your own organs!

 

Tomi Lahren scoffs and bursts out laughing; Sean Hannity gets angry; Jeanine Pirro stares off into the distance.

 

Medusa (petting some of her snakes): Oh, you like that! Well, Cody Ko is also re-emerging from the depths of hell! Homeboy doesn’t get that his crimes have been recorded on how much of a creep, he is, without ignoring the alleged sexual assault. Weird how he and his bestie acts nonchalant, but then again, Noel Miller always did support heinous men! Oh, talking about psychos, Andrew Tate also had a come back; well, fluids from other men, he isn’t Steve Bannon, after all!

 

Tomi Lahren falls off her chair; Sean Hannity red in the face and an aggressive look; Jeanine Pirro hides her face in her hands.

 

Sean Hannity (angrily): Now, listen here, Med USA or whatever your name is! We here at FOX News are a classy group!

 

Medusa: It’s Medusa, and are you sure about that? (She snaps her fingers.)

 

B-roll footage of the three reporters being bigots goes on, as well as including other FOX reporters. Sean Hannity unplugs a wire.

 

Sean Hannity (proudly): Finally, we got rid of her! (Tomi claps and Sean looks on triumphantly.)

 

Jeanine Pirro (shakes her head): No, she always comes back, like Freddy Kruger or Trump!

 

The two reporters gasp.

 

Tomi Lahren (whispering): Jeanine, do you also not support his royal douchebagness?

 

Sean Hannity (waving his phone): Oh wait, ‘til I report you both!!

 

The feed goes back to Medusa.

 

Medusa (calmly and singing): ‘My anaconda don’t want none/ Unless you got buns, hun/ Boy toy named Troy, used to [-]’ (pets her snakes) Oh, the feed is back on! What can I say, like the Kardashians and Mikayla Nogueira, I’m back, except unlike them, I don’t rob you; after all I’m friends with angels, even if I’m not one.

 

Sean Hannity (flustered and angered): I’m going to turn you all in! Just you wait and see. (He looks at his phone and begins to transform into stone.) Ahhhhhh!!

 

Medusa: Huh, usually they begin to petrify from the head down. Welp, I’ll leave that up to everyone else to research. I have to get going to ---

 

Jeanine Pirro: You’re not going to turn us into stone, too? (Tomi Lahren hugs Jeanine.)

 

Medusa: Well, I leave it up to you if you’re curious and want to see what Hannity was going to text Trump, or maybe he already did. Anyway, I have to get going to Telemundo and Univision next. What can I say other than the fact that I’ve waited centuries for my gira mundial artistica. (Medusa gasps.) Oh, I forgot! Y’all don’t learn any new languages; well, not that you’re well versed in English either!

 

Jeanine Pirro: Damn, you Medusa! Next time, I’ll --- No, Tomi, no!!!

 

Tomi Lahren opens the phone and shows Jeanine Hannity’s cell. Medusa lifts up a corner of her bow and winks at the camera.

 

BLACKOUT.