Three interviewees await in a corridor late in the evening in a mansion.

​

Ivan:

So, I’m guessing you ladies are also

here for the job interview?

 

Gwendolyn:

(flirtingly)

Yes, how did you hear about the job?

 

Patricia:

(promptly)

Through Indeed.com, isn’t that how everyone found it?

 

Gwendolyn:

No, actually I heard it from a friend.

 

Ivan:

I heard about this job opportunity from my mail.

 

The girls stare at each other.

 

Ivan:

Don’t get me wrong; I like the internet, I mean my job

is online, but I like classic things, like mailing letters.

 

Gwendolyn:

Oh, how romantic!

 

Bethany, the interviewer, opens the door and sticks her head out to the interviewees.

 

Bethany:

Thank you all for waiting. We are ready for you all to come in.

 

Ivan:

Wait, is this a group interview?

 

Bethany:

Yes, this isn’t an issue, is it?

 

Ivan:

No, no problem! Just a new experience!

 

Bethany:

Wonderful. Please, feel free to stand where you please.

 

The three enter, looking slightly puzzled as there are chairs but must stand in the interview.

 

Bethany:

My name is Bethany; I am our employer’s personal assistant;

my qualifications are that I have an M.D. and Ph.D. and will be conducting

this interview on behalf of our employer. Please, tell me about yourselves.

 

Ivan:

Hi, my name is Ivan; I’m a fitness influencer currently,

but I have a degree in Kinesiology.

 

Patricia:

Hi, I’m Patricia. I am a certified dietitian,

with a minor in culinary arts.

 

Gwendolyn:

Hi, my name is Gwendolyn; I am currently in between

part time jobs, and I have a degree in Communications.

 

Bethany:

It is wonderful to meet you all. Of all the many applicants,

you were some of the chosen few, so you have already done well…

 

Ivan:

(interjects)

I’m sorry, but I was meaning to ask,

what exactly is this role?

 

Gwendolyn:

(shocked but also intrigued)

I was wondering that, too! I just heard

it was a full time job, not asking for prior

experience, applied, and now here I am!

 

Bethany:

Please, don’t worry! I understand; I did ask my employer

to clarify, but he insisted on making it secretive, he

has his quirks. Ultimately, he is looking for a PR representative.

 

Patricia:

Then, how would I qualify?

 

Ivan:

Yes, I also don’t see why I made it, either.

 

Bethany:

Well, our employer took an interest in you,

I mean, your resumes.

 

Gwendolyn:

I don’t want to sound rude, but how is that this employer

hasn’t been named, never had a PR team, but he has financial means,

as he owns a mansion here, in Calabasas, and has you as an assistant?

 

Both Ivan and Patricia nod in agreement.

 

Bethany:

(sighs and whispers)

It’s Dracula.

 

Patricia:

I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.

 

Bethany:

(slightly mumbling)

It’s Dracula.

 

Ivan:
(cupping his ear)

One more time, please.

 

Bethany:

(shouts)

IT’S DRACULA!

 

A figure from the shadow of the dark corner emerges.

 

Vlad:

(sighs)

Really, Beth? You couldn’t keep the secret

for a while longer? Just know you won’t be invited

to the poker games with Elon and Mark, for a while.

 

Bethany:

(sighs)

Of course, sir.

 

Vlad:

(enthusiastically)

Welcome, everyone! I’ve had a lot of group interview rounds,

and to be honest, you three were quite the inquisitive ones, huh?

I mean to have noticed it so promptly and in record time!

That’s just –

(Vlad moves over dodging Ivan’s tackle.)

Well, now that’s just rude and unnecessary. Points off for Ivana.

 

Bethany:

(clears her throat)

Ivan, sir.

 

Vlad:

(horrified)

What?

 

Bethany:

(stoically)

Ivan, sir.

 

Vlad:

(throwing a tantrum)

Beth! I told you I only wanted women!

 

Bethany:

(whispers to Vlad)

Sir, remember you were drunk after intaking blood

from a person from happy hour; I tried to let you know,

but you insisted on meeting a fitness influencer. Also, sir, this is

exactly why we need a PR representative to let you know that

this requirement screams creepy and not at all politically correct.

 

Vlad:

(sighs)

Okay. So, Ivan, any chance you’re the one and only Ivan the Terrible?

 

Ivan gets up with the help of both Gwendolyn and Patricia.

 

Ivan:

(horrified)

What?! No, he’s like 10 centuries old!

 

Vlad:

First of all, it’s been 440 years ago since his

claimed death, but who’s counting? Also, just to

double check, are you natty?

 

Ivan:

What the hell?

 

Bethany:

(sighs)

No, sir, you have to match with the times and

ask more discreetly, like this: Ivan, are you taking juice?

 

Vlad:

Oh! Got it! Thank you, Beth; you keep me young.

I don’t know what I’d do without --

 

Ivan:

(angrily interrupts)

NO!! I’m all natural. I can’t believe I have to

put up with this. I’m leaving.

 

Vlad:

(looks at Bethany)

Pull the lever, Beth.

 

Ivan falls into an abyss; both Patricia and Gwendolyn scream and hold onto each other.

 

Patricia:

(screaming)

What is wrong with you two??? Aren’t we supposed

to be here for an equal job opportunity?

 

Vlad:

(sighs)

Well, to be honest, this job is available, but I mean

both you and Ivan were just brought here because I’ve never

had the opportunity to try the blood of either a dietitian or

a fitness influencer. It’s kind of on my bucket list!

(Vlad smiles coyly at them both; then turns and nods to Bethany.)

 

Patricia:

(lets go of Gwendolyn and reaches out to Bethany)

No, please! I just --- (She falls into the abyss.)

 

Gwendolyn:

(horrified)

Please, just let us all go!!

 

Vlad:

Gwen, you don’t mind if I call you Gwen, right?

Gwen, trusting naïve Gwen, if you'd just relax, we can

all talk like civilized people, or well, anyway. Point

is, we could use you as an expert for my company.

 

Gwendolyn:

(tearing up)

Please, I just want us all to leave, safe and sound.

 

Bethany:

Sir, she might feel better if you tell her

about yourself and the package deal.

 

Gwendolyn:

(angrily)

No, there’s nothing that you both can say or do…

 

Vlad:

Ah, right!! It is a full time PR job, which would have you

as the face of our new department; you can hire

the new employees. Also, we have a 501(k) retirement

plan, because we invest in you, and it sounds fancier

than a boring 401(k).

 

Bethany:

(interrupts)

Sir, please focus. Also, Gwendolyn, dear, we offer

the best free healthcare plans, maternal leave, and pay

off your student loans within the fourth month, based on

your work ethic. Plus, the starting wage is a million dollars.

 

Vlad:

We would pay higher, but you know we need

to test your skills and once we see your progress,

there will be wage step increases at every,

positive performance review.

 

Gwendolyn:

(wipes her tears and blows her nose)

But, will you expect me to work at night or day?

Will I have to answer your calls 24/7, potentially hear any insults,

deal with press on you wanting to travel to space and create

rockets, and hear that you insult famous women on social media

platforms by telling them, hypothetically, that you would

“give [them] a child and guard [their] cats with [your] life?” Then,

fund to elect a corrupt criminal as the once again President

of the United States?

 

Both Bethany and Vlad look at each other, sigh, smile, and relax.

 

Vlad:

No, don’t worry! I did teach Bill Gates, Steve Jobs,

Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk some things;

but heavens, no! I would never do anything like that!

What do you think I am? A monster?

​

Blackout.

​