EXT. MAR-A-LAGO CLUB GOLF COURSE TOURNAMENT - APRIL 6, 2025 EVENING.

 

Crowd Member 1: Wow! I mean you have to admit, Trump sucks at everything, but I’m surprised he’s pretty great at golf!

 

Crowd Member 2: Dude, you did see his competition, right?! I mean if he didn’t beat them, then I’d be really worried about –

 

A dart is blown, and the criticizing crowd member faints and is removed without his friend noticing.

 

Crowd Member 1 (clapping): I’m sorry, John; I couldn’t hear what you said at the end there. (turning around to where his friend was) John? JOHN?!? Did anyone see my friend, John Doe? He was just here a while ago? Hello?! Anyone!?!

 

Trump (sighs): I don’t want him here either; get rid of him, now! (A secret service agent nods and pretends to help the crowd member.) Finally, peace and quiet!

 

Eric Trump (excitedly): WOOOO! You go, Dad! You’re the best!

 

Trump misses the golf ball and instead kicks up the grass. He throws a tantrum, and the same secret service agent approaches Trump with a bottle.

 

Trump (feeding on a bottle): I want you to take him out, too!! NOW!!!

 

Secret Service Agent 1 (has a concerned look): Ummm, sir, you know that –

 

Trump (grumpy again): Excuse you, what are you supposed to call me?!

 

Secret Service Agent 1 (sighs): I mean, your highness.

 

Trump (creepily smiling): Thank you, that wasn’t so hard now, was it? Continue. (He waves his tiny hand dismissively at the agent.)

 

Secret Service Agent 1: I can’t do that; I’m sworn to protect you –

 

Trump (interrupts again): Exactly! He is a nuisance! Take him out!

 

Secret Service Agent 1 (yells): To protect you and your family!

 

Trump (flabbergasted): Did you just raise your voice at me!?!? (He snaps his tiny fingers.)

 

Secret Service Agent 1: No, sir, I didn’t mean to –

 

Trump (interrupts again and screams): YOUR HIGHNESS!!!! HOW HARD IS IT TO REMEMBER THAT???!!!?!

 

Trump Jr. tries to calm his dad down; meanwhile, Melania stares off into the distance wondering how far she would need to swim to Europe.

 

Trump (recollected, tugs his extremely large red tie, and snaps his tiny fingers again): Hello? Did none of you hear me? I snapped my fingers; GET HIM!!

 

All the secret service members stare at each other.

 

Secret Agent 2 (steps up): Get who, sir? Your son or --

 

Trump (getting red in the face): First of all, it’s highness to you all, and I said to get him. (points at the first secret agent) You all owe me for July 13, 2024!!!

 

A large burst of laughter is heard from the secret service agents; the culprit is a large, male, buff agent.

 

Trump (fuming): Excuse you!! What are you all doing get him!

 

Suddenly, there is smoke around that agent, who reveals it was a disguise by Justicia.

 

Trump (screaming and flailing his arms around): What are you all looking around for? Get them!!!

 

Justicia continues laughing and begins clapping.

 

Justicia: Wow, Trump, you actually do know pronouns! Also, you know that you and your henchmen planned that fake attempt; you should release that blueprint, as well.

 

Trump (raging): Off with her head!!! Don’t just stand there; GET HER!!! HURT HER!!!

 

The secret agents stare at each other; then they try to surround Justicia. Justicia glances over at Trump and snaps her fingers; all the agents fall to the ground, and then there is a cacophony of loud snoring.

 

Trump (scared): What do you want?? My soul? I already sold it, but I have my children’s. (Justicia shakes her head.) Oh, okay! Maybe most of the Republicans, Marjorie Taylor Greene? Oh no, she doesn’t have one; she’s just a parasite, I forgot. Oh! Mitch McConnell! Wait, I forgot he was a turtle who made a pact with the Devil to become a human being. What about Tulsi Gabbard? Oh, you know what, she’s a terminator, so I guess, also no soul. Damn it! Am I only surrounded by soulless people?

 

Justicia (clicking her tongue): Tsk tsk tsk, no, Trump, I’m not a devil, but an angel. I came to –

 

Trump (flabbergasted again): What the hell? So, heaven does exist? No shit!

 

Justicia (brushes him off and continues): Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I’m here –

 

Trump (hands over his golf club to his son): Welp! Guess I won’t be seeing you all anymore; I don’t know about you, but I know I’m going to the VIP section of heaven. Excuse me. (He shoves his way past his children, who all fumble to the ground.)

 

Justicia bursts out laughing again.

 

Trump (stares in disbelief): What? So, you aren’t an angel?

 

Justicia (wipes a tear): No, it’s the fact that you think you’re going to heaven!! (Some of his kids start laughing, too.) Must I be the one to remind you that you sold your soul to the devil? Not to mention your henchmen’s and most of your children’s, as well.

 

The Trump offspring stop laughing and stare at their father.

 

Trump (sweating profusely): It’s not what you think! You can’t trust this crazy woman! She has a low IQ!!!

 

Justicia (chuckles): You bumbling, buffoon baboon! (Trump steps back and trips.) What would an ignoramus like you know about intelligence?

 

Trump (still on the ground): I worked hard for my studies in Economics!

 

Justicia (bursts out laughing): Oh come, come now, Trump. You and I both know everything went in one ear and out the other. That’s why you’ve driven the American economy to the toilet!

 

Trump (fuming mad): I earned my degree!

 

Justicia (shakes her head): No, daddy bought you that Ivy league degree, and now, you want to impede others from gaining knowledge. You and your corrupt, three Stooges in the Supreme Court have been trying to dismantle the rights of the people and the Constitution.

 

Trump (stares defiantly and proud): Yeah, and I’ll always win!

 

Justicia (shakes her head and leans in): That’s where you’re wrong, Donald. I’ll let you in on a secret, you draft-dodger. If you don’t change your ways now, the repercussions will only get worse for you and your family. Stop playing pretend with the tariff war, also if you escalate it to World War III, then you all will pay if more innocent lives are lost.

 

Trump: It’s Zelensky that will start World War III, not me!

 

Justicia: Trump, stop lying; for once in your life hold yourself accountable, or face the consequences that come! The people will see through your farces and hate both you and your family further!

 

Trump (snares): So what if I'm full of gas? Plus, hate is just admiration! Besides, you can’t do anything! You’re weak; I have all the power. You haven’t won in recent centuries, and you never will.

 

Another figure magically appears next to Justicia.

 

Fortuna (smiles and places her hand on Justicia’s shoulder): My friend, Justicia, is not weak, nor is she alone. I will be on her side and help to unveil your pretenses.

 

Trump stares confused.

 

Justicia: Oh, sorry, you have never been acquainted with her; this is my friend, Fortuna, the angel of Luck; some have called her Lady Luck. (Fortuna ignores Trump’s presence.)

 

Trump (picks himself up and dusts the dirt): Well, I don’t need luck; I just won the CGA tournament! So, there!

 

Justicia and Fortuna look at each other and burst out laughing.

 

Justicia (wipes a tear): You mean the Children Golfers’ Association, in which your competition was the children of your henchmen, who had never played golf before?

 

Trump throws a tantrum, and his family just stare in every direction but his. Both angels leave, and the secret service agents wake up and return to babysitting Trump.

 

BLACKOUT.