INT. A COLD, WET, AND LONELY NIGHT IN WASHINGTON D.C.

Trump (proudly): Checkmate.
 

All his surrounding sycophants clap excessively. The board is revealed to be a game of checkers.
 

J.D. Vance (with his hands up): You got me, sir.

Tom Homan: Wow, sir, you’re so smart.

Elon Musk (swiping his nose fervently): Dude, dude! (pauses, and everyone stares) DUDE!

Trump (grunts): Dammit, who brought the ketamine and fentanyl?!?

 

Trump Jr. and Hegseth hear and try to sneak out; they succeed, as the ICE agents are athletically challenged. Another slimy figure slips past the ICE agents.

Stephen Miller: Your majessssssty.

Trump (to Vance): Oof, I hate this bitch. (loudly) What, Miller?!

Miller: Sssssssssir, it’ssssssss finally here, the pig’sssssss -

Trump (interrupts loudly): Foot! Finally! With this I can finally wish as many times as I want!!
 

 

Everybody claps stupidly.
 

Kash Patel (excitedly): We’ll be unstoppable!!!

Trump (thinks he’s whispering, as the dementia and syphilis have eroded his brain): Didn’t I fire this bitch?!

 

Vance shakes his head, and Patel looks down and clicks his tongue. Trump signals the ICE agents and points at Patel.

 

Trump (crazily): He has a gun!!! GET HIM!!!!!

 

The ICE Agents tackle Patel down; Patel yells in pain and is dragged out. Both Mitch McConnell and Trump stare and daydream off into hell.

Vance (snapping his fingers near Trump’s fake-shot ear): Sir, sir. SIR!!!

 

Trump doesn’t respond. Vance breaks out into an evil smile, more sinister than his usual.

 

Vance (evilly grinning): Finally! It’s my time to -

Trump (elbows Vance’s ribs): Not yet, bitch.

 

Vance falls in pain. Trump finally holds the pig’s foot.

Trump (psychotically): Finally, I’ll be unstoppable.

Tom Homan (still kissing ass): Sir, remember you only get two wishes. I personally think the first should be -

Trump (ignorantly): I wish to be the first thing in everyone’s minds.

 

All his sycophants slap their foreheads; Trump turns to glare at them, and they try to muster up a fake smile. Meanwhile, across the United States, Trump’s wish is having its effects. In rural Kansas, a farm owning couple is getting ready for dinner.

Farmer (grumbling): Dammit!

 

His wife ignores his grunting.

Farmer (sighs more loudly): Fuck!!!

Wife: What now, Tim?

Farmer Tim: The tractor needs gas!!

Wife: Well, darling, go fill up the tank.

Farmer Tim: Well, Linda, if it wasn’t so damn high I would’ve done it by now, wouldn’t I?

Wife Linda: Oh, is it?

Farmer Tim: Dammit!!

Wife Linda: Now what, (through her teeth) darling?

Farmer Tim: I have to go back to the fields since I don’t have any workers!!!

Wife Linda: What?! Noooo!! Really?! You mean the stolen land that your ancestors robbed is currently unattended to?!

Farmer Tim: Dammit, Linda!! What have I told you about bringing up my history?

Wife Linda: History is only his story.

Farmer Tim: Damn right!

A mailman drops off a letter at their doorstep. Linda goes to get the envelope.

 

Farmer Tim: What now?!

Wife Linda (casually): Welp, it says that we can’t have any more cattle.

 

Farmer Tim loses it and goes on a rant like Donald Duck or Trump. Linda sits down and watches the performance calmly.

 

Farmer Tim: Why, dammit, do you look so damn calm?!!?!

Wife Linda: Because, I know the responsible party.

Farmer Tim (intrigued): Well don’t just sit there!!! Tell me!!!!

Wife Linda (sighs): My momma was wrong. I shouldn’t have just married you for your money. Anyway, obviously, everything is Trump.

Farmer Tim (shocked): What?!?

Wife Linda (yells): IT’S ALL TRUMP’S FAULT!!!!

Linda spends all night and some of the morning explaining it to her husband who now sees the truth. Cut to two friends walking in New York City.

Friend Z: Yeah, so then I was like: ‘Slay mama’-

Friend Y: And what did he say?!?

Friend Z: Well, he was dressed as Hellraiser, and that Halloween Horror Nights’ actor was so in his role!

Friend Y yells in horror.

Friend Z: What’s wrong, baby?

Friend Y points at the ground. They just stepped in fecal matter.

Friends Y and Z (in unison): Thanks a lot, Trump!

They keep walking further and talking. Then, suddenly, a bird poops on one of them.

Friend Z: Thanks a lot, Trump, you stupid, rotten orange!!

Meanwhile, the White House’s remaining staff is in panic mode. Trump is in deep sleep. Steve Bannon is the only one who dares shake Trump awake.
 

Trump: Dammit!!! Who woke me up?!?

Bannon: Your stupid wish should have kept you up!!

Trump: What do you mean?!? I’m on everyone’s mind!!

Bannon: Yeah, but you’re on their minds when they blame the awful economy, the missing immigrants, -

Vance (joins in): They blame you for global warming and every war.

Trump (squeals like a pig): Not fair!!!!!

Miller (his tongue tickling Trump’s fake-shot ear): Sssssir, but you’ll still go down in history.

Musk (high again): He’ll also go so down in hell.

Everybody starts fighting each other. Meanwhile, Trump grunts and reaches for his pocket; Vance yells, and all the men stare in horror.

Trump (sighs, holding the pig’s foot): I just wish someone loved me.

Suddenly, a rumbling earthquake is felt. Meanwhile, the scene shifts to Hell, where sirens are going off. Mammon looks around and yells at underlings.

 

Mammon (fearful): Mierda! The fuck is going on?! (A hideous, demonic underling whispers, and then Mammon chuckles.) No way, she escaped?! I can’t wait to see this.

BLACKOUT.