INT. WHITE HOUSE MAIN OFFICE ON A GLOOMY, RED LIGHTNING DAY

 

Elon Musk (coming out of his high): Yo, okay, yo, bro, okay, woah-

 

JD Vance (to Hegseth): If he wasn’t a fucking billionaire, I’d have thrown him to the streets. (aloud) Hey buddy! Let’s use our words!

 

Musk (calmly points): The fuck is that?

 

Everyone stares at nothing when suddenly the ceiling caves in from a red bolt of lightning.

 

JD Vance (praying): Our father -

 

Trump (demented): Bitch, I’m right here.

 

JD Vance (sighs): What have I done?!

 

Suddenly, Musk whistles. Everyone stares and starts to do elevator eyes at the figure, a harpy with sharp talons.

 

Hegseth (flirting): Hey baby, I have a scratch I think only you can itch.

 

Harp-y giggles; Hegseth looks on proudly and boastfully.

 

Homan (tries his luck): Listen baby, people don’t think I’m human either, so why don’t we fly off together?

 

Harp-y moves her feathers over his bald head.

 

Homan (infatuated): I think that means she loves me!

 

Patel (loudly): Please! She thinks your head is an egg; plus, you put the fat in infatuated!

 

Homan (crying and pointing): I’ll have you know that I’m on the same GLP-1 as Trump and the Kardashians, okay?!?

 

Homan clicks his tongue; Hegseth consoles his DUFF. The Harp-y glares at Kash Patel. Suddenly, a weak arm tries to shove others out the way, Hegseth and Patel are easily pushed.

 

Trump: Are you my angel?

 

The Harp-y chuckles in an attempt to flirt, but it sounds like a sharp shriek that makes all the others cover their ears except Trump. Suddenly, a second bolt of red lightning strikes; this time, the floor cracks, and they see Hell. A hoof figure emerges.

 

Mammon (smirking): I heard somebody made a wish!!!

 

Everyone, but Trump and the Harp-y, scream in terror.

 

JD Vance (cowardly): Is that yours then?

 

Mammon: Hell yeah that my offspring, Natalie Harp, the harpy, at his service!

 

They both wink at each other. The others stare afraid and cautiously. Suddenly, two more figures emerge from Hell; one crawls toward them.

 

Musk (horrified): Ewwww!! The fuck is that?!

 

Diabolos (offended): Hey, the hell do you think you are to judge my offspring? I’ll have you know that when she heard Trump’s wish she blushed, and I knew her father, Jigsaw, would be proud to see she inherited his cheeks.

 

Trump (leaving the Harp-y daze): Loomer, is that you?

 

Laura Loomer crawls toward him, ring/grudge style, and then tries to adjust her unkept wig.

 

Patel (elbows Vance): I bet you’re glad to be married to Usha now, huh?

 

Diabolos: My thing is your true-

 

Mammon (interrupts): I think you mean mine.

 

Natalie Harp-y and Laura Loomer are about to fight each other.

 

Trump (proudly): What can I say? I’m the most attrac-

 

Mammon and Diabolos smirk and wink. Diabolos grabs Trump by one of his weak shoulders.

 

Diabolos: Why don’t we test out who is your perfect match and wish come true?

 

Trump claps excitedly and stares at his sycophants who start clapping ferociously, too. Suddenly, the room is transformed into a hellish set resembling “The Dating Game” with a bloody background. Mammon and Diabolos are dressed in red and black suits, as the presenters, with Trump sitting sleepily.

 

Mammon: Welcome everyone to “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire”?

 

Trump (waking up): Billionaire!! Dammit get it, right!

 

Diabolos (mockingly): Yes, that’s right! He’s actually a billion-

 

Trump (interrupts): Thank you-

 

Mammon (mockingly completes Diabolos’s sentence):  dollars in debt!!!

 

The sycophants laugh along with the laugh track, but they stop when they see Trump glare.

 

Diabolos (playfully): But let us meet the contestants ~!

 

Natalie Harp-y screeches. The men have erections but cover their ears. Trump adjusts his hearing aid. Mammon waves his fan of support!

 

Mammon: That’s my baby!!

 

Laura Loomer opens her mouth to speak but instead dark sludge gargles out. The audience grunts in disgust, with some throwing up.

 

Diabolos (sighs sadly): And that’s mine.

 

The next contestant waves at the audience, and Elon Musk gets up.

 

Elon Musk: Seriously?! For him?!??! Have my baby!!!

 

Kim Kardashian chuckles, and her mother, Kris Jenner stand up recording from the audience.

 

Kris Jenner: You’re doing amazing, sweetie!!!

 

The sycophants stop gawking as the last contestant clears her throat.

 

Melania Trump: Be best!

 

Trump: Oh no!

 

Diabolos: Oh yes!

 

Trump knocks out.

 

Mammon: Now, what brings you creatures here?

 

Harp-y screeches, chirps, and then squawks. The male sycophants stare confused.

 

Mammon (wipes a tear): Wow, that was beautiful and hard to beat!

 

Diabolos (scoffs): No meat is hard for my Laura Loomer to beat!!

 

The sycophants chuckle and then burst into full on laughter. Diabolos gives them the dirtiest side eye; Mitch McConnell and Steve Bannon spontaneously combust. Laura Loomer spews more sludge out that causes Kim Kardashian to faint.

 

Mammon: Hell, there goes one! Melania, you’re up next!

 

Melania (clears her throat): Yes, I bury Trump.

 

Diabolos (laughing): Wow, tell us how you really feel! Also, it’s marry!

 

Melania: No, Mary, I, Melanie!

 

Mammon: No! You’re Melania, duh! And, it’s who wants to marry - not bury - a millionaire!

 

Melania: Ohhh me understand! Where millionaire?!

 

Trump wakes up angrily.

 

Trump (yelling): Deport her!! Get her!!!

 

Melania (confused): Trump, you a live?

 

Trump: Obliviously!!

 

Mammon and Diabolos stare at each other confused. The tapped audience swoons, while the live sycophants are confused, too.

 

Trump (throwing a tantrum): Okay, I get to ask the questions. Tell me how much you’d love me!

 

Natalie Harp-y (shrieking): Arrrrrr-re ya ready? Polly - I mean prolly, I mean probably, for the rest of your life! Arrrrrgh!

 

The song, “You’re the Devil in Disguise,” of Elvis Presley plays.

 

Trump: Wow, that was beautiful! Next same question!

 

Laura Loomer (gargling): My love for you is as deep and haunted as the depth of where the Titanic is! I would kill for you; hell, who do you think took Lindsey Graham?

 

Suddenly, a scary cover of Celine Dion’s song plays; Trump fights back on throwing up, but a loud shart is heard.

 

Vance: Please tell me it’s not my turn to change his diaper.

 

Diabolos (loudly): Not gonna lie, DiCaprio was my crush.

 

Mammon: No mames! You know he does swing our way ~!

 

Diabolos (winks): You know I can’t wait until he’s in hell with us!

 

Mammon: Aye, dibs on Bezos!

 

Trump (annoyed with a loaded diaper): Melanie, your answer?

 

Melania: You die; I live.

 

Trump: Huh?

 

Melania: Sorry, sorry! You live; I die!

 

The “Married with Children” opening theme song plays. The audience gasps in shock as well as the devils.

 

Diabolos (grunts): Damn! I did not see that coming!

 

Trump: What?!

 

Mammon: What the hell?! Wasting our damn time!?

 

Melania: No understand!

 

Mammon and Diabolos (in unison): You’re both a match made in Hell, especially as a thruple!

 

Putin enters.

 

Putin: Honeys, I home!

 

Melania and Trump swoon; everyone else stares in disbelief and horror.

 

BLACKOUT.

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